Lessons in Failure by Shanowa

Lessons in Failure by Shanowa - February 2017 Scholarship Essay

I think that the most significant failure that I have experienced throughout my life is about my mom. My mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis before I was born. Growing up I watched her slowly get worse and worse. Her disease was so far progressed while I was younger that I barely remember her walking. I use to blame myself for her condition and how the disease progressed. She was not suppose to have anymore children after my brothers but she ended up having me. After I was born she got worse, it got to the point where she wasn’t able to take care of me, instead I grew up having to take care of her.
I grew up taking care of her and as she got worse it got harder to care for her and I felt like I couldn’t give her what she needed and take care of her. I didn’t want to have to pause my life to help her. I ended up moving out after high school and moved about two hours away. I felt like I failed because I could not take care of her and give her what she needed. Because of my mom I became a caregiver but she was the one person I could not help. She would never get better. I knew that growing up but I still wished that I could help her.
When she passed I felt that it was my fault because I couldn’t help her get better I felt that I failed her in so many ways. I felt that it was my fault she couldn’t walk or move, I felt that if I wasn’t born that she would have had more years on earth. I felt that even though I couldn’t control anything that happened that I was still the one that failed her.
I have started to accept that it wasn’t my fault, but I still can’t help but to think in some ways I still failed her. I have learned that I didn’t fail her. I did my best to take care of her and help her. I have learned that sometimes you just don’t have the ability to help as much as you want to help. I didn’t fail her, her body failed her.