Depressed Failure by Vanessa

Depressed Failure by Vanessa - August 2014 Scholarship Essay

This one academic failure was an actual failure. I didn't know it by its name at the time, but I was suffering from depression and had fallen down a spiral of self-defeat. I abandoned my responsibilities and interests in exchange for closing myself off from the world.

But I didn't know it was serious, I thought I was just doing poorly in my classes. I knew for sure after 2 years that my business major was a mistake and when Economics, Statistics and Accounting all required extra attention from me just to get by, I started to give up. At least that’s what I thought was happening.

That semester I failed all 3 of those classes, only having passed Human Resources and Management. That made me curl up inward even more than I already had. It made me hard on myself for letting something so precious – my time, my money and my potential degree – slip right through my fingers. How could I have messed up so badly? And how could I possibly fix it?

After failing the classes and being put on academic probation, the symptoms of my depression really kicked in. It took 5 days of being locked away in my room with no food and no human contact before I, in a numb haze, called the campus counseling center and asked for an appointment.

That’s where my relationship with therapy began. That’s where I started to learn that there were tools I could implement every day of my life to help me win the war. Through that, I learned how to put extra focus on my school work, because even though I didn’t love it, it was mine. Even if a few subjects were a challenge to me, I still needed to rise to them.

So I took the summer to focus on 2 of my 3 failed classes. I stayed on campus while my friends moved back home for summer break and I buckled down, remembering all the valuable lessons I learned in therapy. Even when it wasn’t fun, I put in the extra work I needed to make myself successful and eventually pass those classes. By the next semester, I was off academic probation and inching closer to graduation.

The academic failures helped me acknowledge my own personal mental problems and addressing those problems, in turn, helped me get a new perspective and tackle the academics. It was a whirlwind but one I’m extremely grateful for.