Faliure by Samantha

Faliure by Samantha - August 2014 Scholarship Essay

I believe for myself the one instance of academic failure that has made me stronger would be the entire two years I spent attending Vincennes University. To make this clear I did not fail on paper the entire time I attended the University. In fact for the first two semesters I was there I earned a spot on the dean’s list with a 3.8 g.p.a. It wasn’t until the final two semesters that I began to actually fail my classes. I then transferred to I.U.S.B and continued my course of failure and promptly dropped out. The reason for saying the entire time there was an academic failure, apart from the literal failing of classes, is because school was not what I had intended to pursue at that point, I was not pursuing the path I truly wanted, and I was not physically where I wanted to be.

My intention was to pursue a career in dance. I have been classically trained in ballet since the age of 8. I made soloist at 12. There were a small handful of auditions and some offers. I turned them all down for two reasons. My father really wanted me to attend college. As he was one of nine children he was never afforded the opportunity of a higher education. Unlike a lot of people in similar circumstances however he was able to obtain a long lasting and well-paying job. It’s not enough to cover costs entirely but he was able to help myself and significant other out a lot at this point. The second reason is incredibly more naïve. I was in love. Head over heels for a silly boy who wanted me to move down and attend the same college as he did. Essentially I turned down not only life-changing opportunities but my complete dream job to make others happy. This was the first instance in which I felt like a failure.

When my father asked me what I planned to pursue while in school I mentioned that journalism and dance were at the top of my list. He told me dance would always be there and journalism is a dying media. So somewhat out of spite I settled on fine arts. Art has always been a strong suit for me. As I have stated at the beginning of this I did very well my first year. It was the realization of everything I had given up and turned away from hitting me all at once in my second year that initially caused the downward spiral I would begin. I thought the transfer (it would bring me back to my hometown area) would make the decisions I had made for myself thus far easier to manage. This was unfortunately not the case. It only made me feel more like a failure. I saw my friends and former classmates happily discussing their career choices and life goal all the while feeling utterly miserable on the inside.

I hit a breaking point about a month into my first semester on a new campus and decided to check up on all my grades. Fails across the board except for my dance class that was sitting at a low C. I couldn’t believe that one. The thing I worked so hard for my whole life coming in at such a mediocre grade. I promptly set up a meeting with the dean of students and began the process of withdrawing myself from the school. I ended the relationship I had been in for 7 years. I moved in with my parents, got a job and started focusing on myself.

Then without trying I stumbled into a new relationship. We had known each other in Vincennes and had just reconnected. We moved in together. The topic of school came up one night at dinner about how we had both faced very similar situations and how we both were horribly disappointed in ourselves for walking away from it. I then reluctantly told him what I initially intended on pursuing in school. Much to my surprise he told me he thought it was a wonderful idea. I was used to my ex putting me down. I was used to my dad, as loving and wonderful as he absolutely is, being an incredibly practical thinker and telling me straight out how he feels about something. Before this my mother was the only one who had told me I can do what makes me happy. It took someone blindsiding me with it to make me realize she was right.

We consciously made the decision that we would both attempt to re-enroll in school and support each other the whole way through.

I know now through all my failure, literal and emotional, when it comes to my future I am the only who can decide what’s best and what I need to be happy. That it’s okay to be selfish sometimes.

I feel more strong and confident now than I have in a very long time. I don’t know that the feeling of failure will leave until I have that diploma in my hands. I do know that I want stop until I earn it this time. I regret a lot of the choices I have made but I have reached a point in my life where I can accept them with a smile on my face and move forward.