Amelioration by Rylie

Amelioration by Rylie - February 2017 Scholarship Essay

For those who thrive on the flames of success, failure does not linger on the outskirts of memory. Those who succeed, those who we idolize, those who’ve climbed to the highest rung on the hierarchy of success have not spent days forcing failure into the furthest recesses of their minds. Those who succeed choose neither to forget their shortcomings nor to dwell on them. I believe the successes I take the most pride in have come from using past mistakes to educate myself and move forwards. One of the biggest examples of which came from a failure that tore me down for days. In my junior year of high school, I had spent weeks preparing for what would be the biggest presentation of the school year. Night after night, I would rehearse my speech, reciting the words aloud until they came more naturally than the lyrics of my favorite song or the pledge of allegiance. I spent hours memorizing my presentation, and hours overcoming the anxiety that creeped in when I imagined speaking in front of an audience. I felt ready. I felt like nothing could stop me from getting the score that would make or break my grade, and I was ready to make it.
When the day came, I shuffled my papers, took a deep breath, and smiled to my friends as I walked to the podium in front of the white board. Then, it hit me. All of the fear, panic, and worry I had been repressing bubbled up under the weight of the 68 eyes set on me. I choked. I felt my own eyes begin to tear up at the sight of my expectant audience and my ears rang with the silence my words should’ve been filling. I panicked, I panicked and it was because of my own insecurity and fear that I had failed this presentation.
To this day, memory of that presentation still makes me flush with embarrassment; However, it’s what I did next that made me more proud of myself than I had been in a long time. Instead of taking the F on my presentation, I gathered up the courage to speak to my teacher about the possibility of letting me re-try my presentation on the day when all of the ‘absent’ students presented. I knew the price of representing, as the two Literature teachers had teamed up to make skipping class on the day of project presentation extremely unattractive to their students. Those who did not present on the set date would have to present in front of both classes, double the audience, by the end of the week. I worried that since I was unable to successfully present in front of 33 of my peers, I would never be capable of speaking in front of almost 70 people! I knew I could not accept this moment as a failure, and decided to try again, no matter the unfavorable circumstances.
At this point, I had my speech memorized by heart, and the only thing left to conquer in my path to success was my mind. I turned to friends, family, and helpful how-to’s online to practice with. Anxiety was an obstacle for sure, but I knew I could overcome it if I tried hard enough. The end of the week drew nearer and the time I had left to coach myself through my stage fright waned. Eventually, I found myself standing in front of the same podium, my back to the same white board; the only difference was the presence of 140 eyes upon me. Breathe. I tried to encourage myself, this time thinking positively with thoughts of hope and security. I can do this. I took a final preparatory breath, opened my eyes and listened to the words of my essay flow without hitch into the air above my classmates. Their eyes did not silence me, and the feelings of failure I had previously been overcome with escaped through my lips, molded instead into improvement through clauses and smiles and lists and certainty.
Failure is temporary, and will only remain for as long as we allow. The moment we consciously decide to take our failures and learn from them, is the moment we transform them into successes. For those who choose success, failure is neither an option nor a source of shame. Failure is an opportunity, a chance to extract a lesson from our mistakes and change for the better. Those who are blessed with successes have first been blessed with failures. As I continue to outgrow my childhood and approach my adult life, I understand now how important it is to take my mistakes to heart in a delicate way so as to learn without evoking pain in the face of defeat.