Feeling Good by Rick

Feeling Good by Rick - August 2019 Scholarship Essay

How would I make the most of a gap year? Climb a mountain, go cross-country skiing, travel overseas to experience new cultures, etc. Put simply: work on myself.

I love to feel good. When I feel good, I can perform at my very peak. When I act, I will be doing so with authority, the kind of authority gained only from learning more about oneself. What makes more sense than making sure I feel this way as often as I can, for as long as I can?

Feeling good is my mission statement. A few years ago, after a bullying incident at boarding school where I tried to drown myself in a lake, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, along with a host of other mental illnesses. It was devastating to hear; I had heard many rumors of depressed individuals who wouldn’t get out of the house or even bed for months at a time. From then on, I made it my mission to beat the odds, to triumph over this personal adversity.

Physical and mental health became my lifeline to the world; I knew that once I was able to command them, I would be able to win any battle. Without, I wouldn’t be able to take a single step. I began the herculean effort of teaching my mind and body discipline. I took depression and mood stabilizing medication, I recorded my moods, I trained with weights, I ate healthy, and trained my mind through learning. I would come out a hero, a hero who had triumphed over impossible odds... or so I believed.

Things took a turn for the worse. Over the next couple of years, I was bedridden, unable to get out of bed for days at a time due to lack of motivation and fear of others. I had suicide attempt after attempt, hospitalizations coming one after the other; I developed something dangerously similar to body dysmorphia, binge eating my way up seventy pounds in under four years. My doctor informed me that I was at risk for an eating disorder, that the average lifespan of patients with my profile was just over thirty years, and that if I left the Intensive Outpatient OCD Clinic that I was enrolled in, I would have a very low chance of recovery. I left the program due to issues it was causing at home; the downward spiral continued. I rarely made it to therapy appointments and I took medication even less frequently. My foster family grew to view me as a burden, and began to abuse me while I was in my depressed state. They started looking for ways to get rid of me, threatening to kick me out, while I was only sixteen. I began to engage in self-harm; first burning (I burned the skin on my face and arms off) and then cutting. Finally, one time I was in the car with my foster Dad, saying that maybe I should seek approval from the government for assisted suicide, and he told me that maybe it was for the best.

Unfortunately, this story doesn’t have a miraculous turnaround. I didn’t get better. My family didn’t stop abusing me. They kicked me out a few months ago; I’ve been homeless ever since. My BMI now determines me as overweight; my blood pressure is abnormally high. However, there has been a general trend upward. I haven’t had a suicide attempt in just over two years now. I haven’t self-harmed in almost three years.

I never stopped trying to accomplish my mission. When I am able, I still eat healthily, still exercise as much as I can; I still track my moods and take my medication regularly. I still read my days away, determined to keep learning. It has paid off; as I’ve said, there is a general trend upward. Through the combined immense help of others and my own self-effort, I graduated high school this June with a 3.48 final GPA and several college credits. I’m a certified low-level accountant in the state of Washington, via the Precision Exam. I earned an almost full four-year scholarship to a university in Texas, and now I seek to manage the remaining 33.44k. I know more about math and physics than any average high school senior has a right to, and that will only grow as I dual major in Math and Physics. I’ve worked closely with a charity organization in Uganda, taught university math classes in a foreign country. I’m overcoming the barriers of my autism: have made more and better friendships than ever before; I’m quite the comedian now, just ask. My social anxiety has been virtually eradicated; I feel more relaxed than ever in social situations; often times they help me unwind.

I could never have done all this without the help of countless selfless individuals, and it is your help that I need again now. As I progress on my journey to feel good, one that has helped me find self-understanding, whatever I do is my business. Whether I pursue my passion for math and physics, dedicate myself to returning the immense kindness that the world’s individuals have sent my way, or a bit of both, I hope that you will be there to support me, like a family, as I live my life to the fullest and enjoy the wonderful gift that it is.