Learning to Live the Quotes on Failure by Rachel

Learning to Live the Quotes on Failure by Rachel - March 2017 Scholarship Essay

I should have been happy. I was sitting in a hot tub with friends enjoying a couple days off from school while we competed at the state championships for DECA-a business-marketing association which hosts competitions that include exams and role-play scenarios. Every year, thousands of students compete and the top three in each event advance to Internationals. We were lounging around after the preliminary award ceremony. I had claimed almost every medal I was eligible for, including top three in the test and one of the two role-plays for my first event. Unless I had failed spectacularly on the other role-play, I was virtually guaranteed to advance to Internationals for a second time as just a sophomore. Last year I had finished in the top ten at Internationals; this year I wanted to win.
I should have been happy, but I was not. Instead I felt sick inside. What if I had failed that one role play? What about the role-plays for my event tomorrow? Just because I had done well today, did not mean it would happen the next day. Strangers would congratulate me as we passed each other, but inside I wanted to run away and hide. If the world had ended that night, it would have suited me just fine.
I knew all the quotes about failure being merely an obstacle, a chance to learn, and that only those willing to risk failing greatly can achieve greatly. I believed them, but I still dreaded failure with all that was in me, especially public failure. Whenever I perceived myself as failing, I would shove the negative feelings away and never speak of the incident again, but often I would remember it for weeks. The fear of failure consumed my life and thoughts.
If I could advise my younger self, the first thing I would say would be to relax and learn to embrace failure. Not everyone shutters at the idea of failure to the extent I did, but many of us approach failure as something to avoid and forget as soon as possible. The approach I had toward failure then is what psychologists call a “Fixed Mindset.” I was not good enough to succeed and that is why I failed. Failures reveal inadequacies and so are a source of shame. For many, this mindset is so ingrained that we do not even realize a different approach exists. It is known as the “Growth Mindset.” While the labels may make the difference sound trite, these actually represent radically different approaches to life and even manifest themselves physically. Brain scans of those with a Fixed Mindset show minimal activity when they face failure, while scans of brains centered on a Growth Mindset are awash with color and activity as their brain learns and makes new synapses.
I learned I needed to adopt an attitude of embracing failure when I finally realized its inevitability. Everyone, without exception, faces it. I came home from that state competition with two trophies and seven medals to add to my growing pile, and a spot at Internationals. While much of the joy I had felt my first year was gone, and I even felt like I could throw up weeks in advance thinking about competitions, all that seemed okay as long as I was winning. But I never did win Internationals. Four years after my initial successes, instead of a youngster managing to win against the older students with a promising future, I now felt like a burnout who finished fifth in the world as a freshmen and then never managed to climb higher. I was out of chances. I would never finish first.
For a while, what I had not accomplished haunted me. I dreamed about it at night and tried to force it from my mind during the day. Eventually, the disappointment of never reaching my goal forced me to reevaluate my identity and attitude towards failure. I could either emotionally bury a significant part of my high school experience, or I could learn to accept it and see it differently. Ultimately, losing Internationals taught me more than winning would have. I cannot claim to have perfectly adapted to a Growth Mindset, but I have grown in it, and found so much joy and freedom in the process.
For those who can empathize and long for change, I would like to offer the two greatest lessons I have learned on my journey toward a healthier outlook. The first is to not immediately push past the feeling of failure. It is not a shameful thing. Do not empower it by treating it as such. Second, take opportunities to fail at small things. As fantastic as it would be to flip a switch and change, the brain does not work that way. Synapses are a powerful thing. Your brain is wired with physical connections between neurons. It wants to take familiar pathways; it wants to respond however you currently respond to failure. That response is not inevitable, but it is far easier to choose a different response in a smaller, less emotionally taxing scenario. When you do, your brain creates new synapses and pathways, making a little bit easier to choose that response the next time and in increasingly significant contexts. Perhaps in time, we can come to know the beautiful quotes on failure not just as eloquent words, but as our lived reality.