Safe by Patricia

Safe by Patricia - July 2017 Scholarship Essay

I can’t recall a time when I haven’t felt sadness.
Even when I feel “normal” –whatever that means- it’s there lurking like the boogeyman. Lingering in the darkness of a damp cellar; shadows falling behind each step I make. It waits until I am at my most confident, and then it strikes. It strikes with a vengeance of a Celtic warrior. Striking at my worth and my esteem. It breaks my armor into pieces, and I feel helpless as I watch them all fall before me.
Then the rage begins.
A furnace is burning in me. It blinds me to my actions and consequences. I can’t breathe; water pours from my eyes and I hear a distant scream of a banshee. It echoes from the mountains of my soul, and settles in my brain. I start to shake.
Rage brings a friend, and her name is Fear.
I jump at every sound. I want to run. Run far and Run fast. Wherever I am, I can’t face what is coming. So I Run.
This has been my life for as long as I can remember.
One of the earliest memories I have, is feeling isolated and excluded. I was a chubby kid; intelligent but very awkward. I remember being teased by not only my peers, but I felt mocked by adults as well. I started reading at an early age, and had developed quite the vocabulary by the age of seven. I remember sitting in the back seat of my family’s station wagon. We were traveling through the Southern Tier of the state. I gazed dreamily out my window, watching the country fields of corn sweep past by me. It was dusk, and the summer sky slipped into that hazy orange, yellow and blue that summer skies find themselves. I remember thinking how beautiful it was. The horizon over the fields reminded me of a picture book I had once seen, the colors of the illustration much like my sky. I saw the same brush strokes in my sky, bleeding together and falling over the corn. I called out to my mother. I wanted to share the beauty I saw. “Ma, Look at the Horizon! Isn’t it pretty!” I cried out. “Horizon!” said my mother. “What do YOU know of a horizon?” She started to laugh and then my siblings joined in
I was hurt; I was ashamed. And I never shared what I saw again.
This shame followed me.
For many years, I lacked healthy self-esteem. I suffered from dystemic depression and anxiety and I also doubted my worth and my abilities at my job. At times the depression and anxiety would hide for a while, but deep down I always knew they were there, lurking in the shadows and ready to pounce. In my soul I knew I was good at my job, but my self-esteem issues would ultimately get in the way of my performance. I was supposed to be successful.
I wasn’t.
My depression and anxiety failed to let me go.
Like I said…it was always there. Just waiting. When I found myself successful and feeling well, they would creep in at the dead of night, and change everything for me. I sabotaged myself. I had a fear of failure that warped into a fear of success. I tried medication after medication to stabilize myself. Some worked for a while, but eventually my old behaviors came back.
In every job I’ve ever had, I would consume myself in it. I would become it. I was the job’s most loyal servant. And the job ate away at me. I lost my identity. I lost my soul with every incarnation. I would get overwhelmed, burned out. I would lash out on employees. I would cry. I was a mess. I usually quit before I was fired.
This was my cycle. Find a job and do well for a while. Then I become the job. Once that happens I get overwhelmed and burned out. I then quit.
My last job, I was fired. It destroyed me.
I had lost my identity.
Cognitive Behavior Therapy(CBT) and a rediscovery of a talent for writing and painting gave my identity back. Through CBT I recognized my behaviors needed to change, and then I took steps to do just that. I explored my artistic side and realized that I have the ability to paint. I also began writing on a regular basis either in journal form or through creative stories. My self-esteem increased to a healthy level for the first time in my life.
I’m starting out fresh. This is a beginning of a brand new life.