Allow Yourself to Surprise Yourself by Olivia

Allow Yourself to Surprise Yourself by Olivia - April 2021 Scholarship Essay

If I could stand face to face with myself from five years ago, there are a lot of pieces of advice, of warning and encouragement I could give to her. I would meet her in the crowded middle school halls or perhaps standing off to the side on the fringes of youth group. She would probably give me a skeptic stare from behind her glasses, pull her books or jacket tighter to her chest, yet smile with a blush in an attempt to be friendly. I would start up a conversation and eventually when she discovered who I was I would give her this piece of advice “allow yourself to surprise yourself”.
Now this may not sound like the most life-changing golden key to unlock a brighter future but if I had understood that I was capable of more than I thought, it would have changed everything. For all of middle school I had this picture in my mind of who I was and who I would become, the two were strangely similar, and I did not attempt to experiment with hobbies or friends or interests that fell outside of the frame I created. The first time I surprised myself was my 8th grade year when suddenly I found myself helping class-mates with their math homework. My whole life leading up to this I despised math and I assumed that I was just not good at it. I thought that I would always be the one asking for help, staying after class to work with the teacher, and having emotional breakdowns at the kitchen counter while I struggled to complete my homework. However, something clicked and I understood. I surprised myself.
Going into high-school if I allowed myself to surprise myself than I would have been more open to new experiences and been more courageous in talking to people. Through the last five years I have changed a lot and have surprised myself over and over. One of these instances was with running cross country. In middle school, I picked up the sport because a friend of mine didn’t want to do it alone. In high-school, I joined cross country only because I had been declined a role in a play I auditioned for at the time and wanted another activity where I could have a community. I joined the team cautiously, saying I would give it two weeks to see whether or not I wanted to continue. Nevertheless, as one stubbornly fixed on always giving my best effort, I excelled athletically, made some good friends, and the next year I became the girls team captain. The image of myself that was fixed in my mind began to shift as I developed a passion for running that I never expected to have and as I moved from a follower to a leader. I learned that I was capable of leading the team through warm ups and organizing team dinners and making others feel welcome in the same way I had been made welcome.
Another experience that changed my perspective on who I was is when my family started fostering. As the youngest of four girls, I was the sister who did not melt over newborn babies, who declined babysitting jobs on account of not wanting to change diapers, and who awkwardly lagged behind when my sisters played with little kids, unsure of what to say and do. So when my parents felt that God was calling our family to start fostering, I was scared that I would not know how to interact with the kids or help my parents. Then when we were considering adoption I was haunted by the fear that I would never be able to connect with my little sisters the way my older sisters connected with me. It was not easy to adjust, but one day during quarantine I hosted a princess picnic in the backyard with my sisters.
We all wore our fanciest dresses and they brought their little plastic tiaras. On this day they both shoved their tiaras towards me and argued about whose I would wear. I couldn’t believe it, they wanted me to be a princess with them so bad that they were willing to give up their own crowns. I took turns wearing each tiara and we spun around barefoot in the grass dancing to the ball-room music playing inside each of our heads. I was overflowing with joy as I realized that I not only loved my little sisters but I loved being a big sister. I surprised myself.
There are so many layers of ourselves we have yet to discover and room in our hearts and minds for endless new surprising and beautiful things. Now that I know this I am excited to grow and not so afraid of change. I think that my cautious, perfectionistic, methodical self from five years ago would have been set free if I trusted that Gods plan for my future was better than mine and allowed myself the opportunity to be surprised by all I could become.