If the Whole World Was Blind by Nico

If the Whole World Was Blind by Nico - February 2014 Scholarship Essay

“If the whole world was blind, how many people would you impress?”- Boonaa Mohammed

Almost everything that we do is directed towards seeking approval. We value praise and acceptance. However, sometimes we feel the need to change things about ourselves in order to obtain that feeling of acceptance. A characteristic that a person will manipulate in order to feel accepted, is their appearance. Countless people in the world today obsess over how thin their waist is, or how straight their teeth are. They stress over how tall or short they are compared to others. Some of us post photos of ourselves on social networks, aiming to receive praise in the form of “likes” and “favorites”. In high school, I was one of these people who found themselves consumed by their appearance. I spent a great deal of time obsessing over what I wore, what my hair looked like, and my physique. Often times I considered myself too skinny, so I wore extra layers to school, or baggy clothing to hide it. I was preoccupied with my appearance. Yet what appeared as vanity, was actually insecurity. I considered my appearance, my identity. I always looked at myself through everyone else’s eyes. It was not until recent developments, that I finally discovered the difference between my appearance, and who I really am.

For the past six months, I have been dealing with a skin condition. My face has been hit with symptoms including hyperpigmentation, swelling, skin rash, papules, flaking, and bleeding. My skin is essentially burned. It has put me under a great deal of stress, and has unfortunately led to the development of a second condition, which my doctor describes as an “overactive nervous system”. Triggered by factors including sunlight, physical activity, stress, and anxiety, it releases a burning sensation from my upper body up to my face. The difficult part about this experience is maintaining my mental strength. Without it, I am vulnerable. One hint of fear or stress, and the pain hits me.

When my condition first developed, I was prescribed various different antibiotics, topicals, and ointments. However, one of the most important things I could do for my skin, was protect it from the sun. That’s when I began to wear hooded sweatshirts. The hoods covered my face, and offered me a great deal of protection. Though as time progressed, wearing them became a ritual. I was scared of what other people thought of me. I looked as though I had an intense sunburn, and several people found it humorous. As a result, I wore a hood everywhere I went - at classes, at dining halls, and so on. Unfortunately, underneath my hood I still continued build up stress and anxiety. Then I began to experience random sensations of pain. After a couple weeks, I noticed that it usually occurred when I was around people, so I began to isolate myself from everyone. Meals were the most difficult, as I shared a dining commons with over a thousand people. Almost every day for four months, I ate my meals alone and in pain. Some days I skipped meals, as I would rather be hungry than suffer through another episode. My daily routine then became simple. I went to class, I did my schoolwork, and I ate. The rest of the time I spent in my dorm room, a space no larger than 10x10ft. I felt useless and trapped, and some nights all I would do was pray for the whole experience to be over.

Dealing with my current situation has been a challenge, but there is something interesting about challenges that some people tend to dismiss. Challenges can trap a person in a corner. They can prevent someone from achieving their goals, and force them to the edge of surrender. But it can be life-changing, when a person realizes that the challenges they face can make them stronger. There are a lot of things I can’t control. I can’t control what I look like in the mirror, I can’t control how effective my antibiotics and medications are, and I can’t control what others may think of me. But I can control what type of person I want to be. Right now, I have two options. I can be the person who lets his physical appearance influence his life, or I can be the person that overcomes it, and rises to the challenge. Every challenge that I encounter in my studies, is just another challenge that will help me become a stronger student. Every challenge that I face with my physical appearance, is just another challenge that will make me a stronger person. My experience has led me towards a greater sense of identity, and has taught me the value of being a person, not an image.

Next week, I will be returning home and visiting my old high school. There is a part of me that is absolutely terrified. My face has fluctuated so much over the past six months, that I have no idea what I may look like to old friends and acquaintances. But there is also another part of me that remembers that I am coming home. At home, I have friends, and I have my family. No matter how different I may look, they will always be able to recognize me, because they see me as a person, and not an appearance.