I live by Melissa

I live by Melissa - December 2019 Scholarship Essay

I grew up divided between my dad's alcoholism and my mom's boyfriends, involuntarily blooming into a member of the Me Too movement. My parents each formed new families giving me the power of invisibility. I forced myself to suppress my feelings and fractions of memories trying to contaige people with my smile so maybe my dad would quit drinking or my mom wouldn't see I was hurting. Convincing myself that all the trauma never existed.

Although I couldn't erase my past I managed to place a sleeping spell on my feelings and memories they remained dormant, growing and feeding off of my insecurities. My school became a safe environment for me, giving me the ability to be a kid and not a victim or a mediator. I had friends and I had fun learning. The school was my anchor it gave my life stability and I thrived, developing a passion for reading becoming obsessed with Harry Potter and all the multiple worlds within books.

Out of the blue, the sleeping spell was lifted, uncaging my feelings and memories like Pandora’s box pouring emotions faster than a fire hose placing so much pressure exposing me to be a scared little girl. As my childhood flashed before my eyes, I felt heavier. I wanted to escape the madness in my head looking for the nearest exit sign. I realized my golden ticket to outrun my trauma was my future.

I was in my sophomore year and I needed to improve my grades to better my future and leave the past alone. I felt a tsunami of responsibility, drowned by the urge to secure a future with a clean slate, feeling the burning stress. I avoided confronting the feeling of abandonment and sadness boiling my blood with fear.

Becoming mentally sluggish unable to learn or focus on my work, tears staining the ink on my homework. My anxiety managed to eat away the anchor that school was for me. I drowned into the emptiness of depression and anxiety. Thinking it was the worst timing to be sick with an illness I didn’t even understand.

I was washed away into a mental hospital where I took my first breath of hope. Learning that there is never a right time to be mentally ill, it happens to the strongest people. I found kids like me who had open wounds on the inside and outside. Together we addressed our past, studied how to express our feelings and tell our stories. I was fueled with a childlike curiosity about mental health and the stories behind it.

My story taught me that my past does not define me but it can definitely empower me. I choose what I give power too. I am not a victim, I am a survivor but I choose to live as a fighter. I learned that my thoughts don’t control my life and managed to cut the cord between feeling and doing. Because I want to do so much and explore the world and continue to explore myself.

I began a journey of self recovery where everyday was a challenge to understand, communicate and validate my feelings. I had to make many sacrifices and focus on myself more than anything else. I am proud to be who I am today and say my biggest accomplishment is being alive and loving every second of it.

I live to learn lessons each day and to return the kindness and hope people welcomed me with when I needed the most. I throw myself in the present moment everyday and emerge myself in my therapies and my research to help myself and to learn to help others. My mental illness showed me that I am human and that my feelings don't hurt me but connect me to people and make up a great deal of who I am and who I choose to be to make a difference.