Balance Through Failure by Marin

Balance Through Failure by Marin - February 2017 Scholarship Essay

As I glanced down at the rough, sand paper surface of the balance beam, I felt a quiver of fear intertwined with a thread of excitement pulse through my body. A damp coolness crept into my palms as I waited for what seemed like years for the judges to be ready for me to begin my gymnastics routine. I kept telling myself, “I can do this. I am going to stick my routine.” Yet as all humans do, my mind began to wander to the unknown possibilities of what could go wrong. I was on my last event at the Level 8 Colorado state gymnastics meet. I knew that if I stuck my routine, I had a good chance of winning beam and qualifying for regionals. Yet as I stood there waiting, I could feel my mind working away, thinking, “was there a possibility of making it to regionals if I fell off the beam?” In permitting my mind to wander, I was allowing failure to plant a seed in my mind. I didn’t have 100% confidence that I could compete a near-perfect routine.

I was finally given the signal to present to the judges and begin my routine. As I executed my first few skills, doubt continued to distract me but I tried to push it away with positive thinking. On my backhand spring series, I could feel that I was the slightest bit crooked as I grabbed for the beam with my hands. Instead of working to correct my alignment and fight to stay on, I fell off. There was still a high possibility of qualifying for regionals right? In that instant, I knew I that if I had completely believed in myself I would have fought and stayed on. I knew that I had failed. I had failed to believe and trust that my body knew what it was doing and that I could compete a perfect routine.

Everyone fails at one thing or another in life. We all learn to improve, and do it the “correct” way. For me, failure to believe in myself was something I struggled with through my entire childhood. I never truly recognized my failure to believe until I saw my doubt in my last beam routine at state. By doubting myself that day, I instantly lost an opportunity that I had worked towards my entire life. Gymnastics is a tremendous mind game. Even when I was physically ready to try a new skill, my mind often times would get in the way of allowing me to attempt it. My body was 100% ready, but my mind didn’t have faith that I wasn’t physically putting myself in danger. I also recognized my failure to believe in other aspects of my life, particularly in ballet and music. Occasionally when dancing on pointe, I would become fearful that I could stay on pointe and complete multiple pirouettes without slipping or falling. In music concerts where I was given flute solos, I was doubtful that I could begin each note with a clear sound. I was fearful that I would over or under blow and the tone would be incorrect, even though I had practiced it perfectly thousands of times. It was a constant mental struggle to believe in myself.

Over time, I have learned to push through the fear and uncertainty. I still battle to believe in myself in some situations, but I have come to recognize the doubtful mindset and work to change it. I realize that it is never beneficial to doubt yourself no matter how much you might think it will help in case something goes wrong. Instead, I focus my energy on what I want to happen rather than thinking about all the possible outcomes. In every aspect of my life, I try to believe in myself and trust that what I am doing or want is the best choice for me. Although I am not practicing and competing gymnastics at the level I was at in my childhood, I will sometimes visit the gym to keep up my old skills. When I am given this opportunity, I take advantage of every minute and believe in every skill I am executing. I know that my body will not be able to endure gymnastics forever so I need to do take advantage of the time I have. The mind has a greater power than most people realize. When humans decide they are going to do something, it can be close to impossible to dissuade them. This determination lies within each and everyone of us. It is continually surprising how determined humans can become when they set their mind to something they want. Belief in oneself is very similar. If we begin with the mindset that we are going to do something and will be fine, we will. My failure in gymnastics taught me how we as humans need to believe in every action we do. Otherwise we lead our lives in regret.