I Needed A Reason Why by Madison

I Needed A Reason Why by Madison - May 2017 Scholarship Essay

“I hate you.”

Those words became a mantra, one that I would repeat when I thought about my uncle. At the time, I meant every word. I needed a reason why. A reason why I shouldn’t hate you. A reason why I should hate you. A reason why you did what you did.

I was so full of hatred, a kind I had never experienced before. The emotions and memories that I had suppressed kept resurfacing at the most inconvenient times. I didn’t have anyone to turn to. I didn’t know how to ask for the help I needed. So, I tried to figure it out on my own, one unsuccessful attempt after another.

Perhaps, it was because I was young. I didn’t have the life experience to make sense of things. I didn’t have any understanding of the events that had occurred. But then again, I was only a child. I was only eight years old.

Let’s rewind to 2 years prior when I was six. My grandfather was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Two years later, he died at home. He left behind a mentally-ill wife, his two daughters, and his son. You see, from the stories that were told to me by my mother about my uncle, it was apparent to me that my uncle had experienced traumatic childhood events and was possibly mentally ill himself.However, my family lacked the knowledge and support to help him. There was an abundance of signs; Some more obvious than others.

On the night of my grandfather's funeral, with "Stairway to Heaven" blasting loudly from our garage, my uncle committed suicide.

The years following his suicide were a blur. No one knew how to deal with what had happened. There was a lot of blame and ugliness spread around. Being eight years old made things difficult to understand. But I knew I was angry. I blamed him for his actions, for tearing my family apart, and for taking away my childhood.

It was a lot of blame to put on him but I needed a scape goat. I needed some control. The events and those that spiraled after forced me to grow up. I had to learn how to suppress emotions to move on so that I wouldn’t get left behind. My parents had other worries, and I did not want to be one of them.

Because I suppressed my feelings, every now and then I would spiral out of control. My only escape was reading. One thing that never changed, was our trips to the bookstore to escape the troubles of everyday life.

When I was 13, I discovered "13 Reasons Why". I'm sure whoever may be reading this has heard of the book, given the hype around the Netflix show. And with hype comes controversy about how this may be been seen as "romanticizing suicide". But for me, the book gave me understanding and closure.

Jay Asher's novel made me see the signs and recognize the behaviors that led my uncle to his suicide. It wasn't his fault. He was struggling to make sense of his life just like everyone else was; His fear of living overcame his fear of death. My uncle tried to seek help and when there was none to be found he sought an "alternative".

I remember reading the book and crying an ugly cry. It was the first time that I did since their deaths. And when I finally did stop crying, I felt relieved. I wish I could explain the feeling of relief and closure that I experience but no words could do that justice.

"13 Reasons Why" did not romanticize my uncle's suicide: It made me humanize Danny and provided me the reasons why it happened and why I needed move forward.