Selfish by Lorelei

Selfish by Lorelei - April 2021 Scholarship Essay

Five years ago I was in 7th grade, and I made it a habit to not study. In grade school I was known for being someone who did their work, turning things in, and overall being a "teacher's pet". I had learned to read late due to not having glasses until late in the first grade, and by then I was way behind, so I had to learn to study hard, and make sure I retained all the information I was learning. I had to keep up with my brother, who is a year behind me but is way more book smart than I am and it helped to motivate me.
When I got into jr high, I loosened up in my studies, preferring to talk to my friends in class rather than do my work. I am an avid reader and an obsessive writer. This also helped to distract me, but I did what was needed to not fail. I wanted to fit in better, and that meant not having perfect grades, spending more time reading than spending time with friends, and definitely not pouring words into a notebook. So I did not and now, as an 18-year-old, and a senior, I have decided I regret it. I told myself that because it was in junior high, it did not matter because it was not permanent. But in a way it actually was.
In high school, I learned to keep track of work and use my resources but it took a little while for me to get to the point where I could utilize these skills effectively. I had to deal with a lot during my first years of high school, but in a way so does everyone else. I was able to keep up and keep myself from doing too much damage to my cumulative GPA, until my junior year when COVID-19 hit. I was lucky in the sense that my school was well adapted to distance learning, but because of the fact that not a lot of students or teachers were mentally or physically ready for that, most of the work I did during that time was not able to be counted. I did all my work and showed up for video class when there was one, and I talked to my teachers, knowing that I was not the only one going through changes, as an individual or as a student.
Now, as a senior, looking back all I can think of to tell my former self, is to keep being me. I would tell myself that is and will always be okay to be the first to raise my hand and be a smart kid. I would say that it was okay that I would rather read or write instead of being social. I would have said keep up those good habits, and keep up being hard working. I know that I needed to go through that phase of not caring, not being comfortable with doing things I was good at or liked, to get to where I am today.
5 years ago I would not have listened to my future self, no matter what was said, and that's okay for me.
Because in order to become the girl I am now, who does her work on time, or talks with her teachers regularly to have a connection with them and babysits because she likes to, and so much more; I had to lose it. I would have done all this stuff, but I would not have known that I need this stuff, I would just be another person doing what they always did because other people want them to. But now: I know I want to do this for me. Not for anyone other than me. I get to be selfish with my life. I guess that's what I would tell myself in the end, to be selfish with my life.