Meditations On Failure by Kyle

Meditations On Failure by Kyle - August 2014 Scholarship Essay

Failure is defined in Webster’s dictionary as a lack or deficiency of a desirable quality. My failure was not apparent to others, but was glaringly obvious and difficult for me to ignore. The nature of my failure was a personal failure, experienced through the lens of academia. I characterize the experience in this way because academically I managed to do what was required of me to pass in the eyes of The AP board, but I knew that I had failed myself.

The failure itself was the inability to stay calm under pressure, in the face of adversity. The exam was AP European History, and I was only in my sophomore year. Despite all of the time spent studying, I still felt very nervous and unsure of myself. As the exam went on, time began to wind down, and with an entire essay left to write, I went into total panic mode. In my frenzied attempt to finish the exam, I had misread the essay prompt and wrote an entire essay contrasting two ideas I was supposed to compare. Not realizing my mistake until I was proofreading my work, it was far too late to try and recover.

Once the exam was over I felt as though an entire year’s work was wasted. I was sure that I had not passed. In the weeks leading up to the results being released, I struggled to understand what had happened. I spent nearly two months tirelessly reviewing obscure European royalty, and conflicts long forgotten by most, but it had not mattered. I realized that it was ultimately a lack of emotional control that had held me back. It was this realization that lead me to the practice of meditation.

It wasn't very long until the results of the exam were posted and I learned that I had actually managed to scrape by with a three, the cutoff point of what is considered a passing grade. This alleviated a lot of the constant thoughts of what ifs, but the lesson learned about controlling anxiety and fear through meditation stuck with me.

It has been a year or so since this occurrence, and reflecting back at it I realize that it was this near failure and personal struggle that allowed me to better understand my own thoughts and emotions. Due to this newfound ease of mind I was able to not only pass, but excel in not one but four AP classes in my junior year, and walk into the exams with the quiet confidence of a person with no fear.