The Not-So-Mighty-But-Still-Triumphant Comeback by Juliet

The Not-So-Mighty-But-Still-Triumphant Comeback by Juliet - September 2014 Scholarship Essay

Every student knows the fable of Going to College: You go, work (and play) hard, do well, and graduate. If you need help, you just seek it out and then all is well that ends well. But the reality is often much more complicated. While there are many skills important, even critical, to succeeding in college, for me the most important has been resilience. People don’t normally think of resiliency as a skill. They imagine it’s just a trait one simply “has” or gained organically like a plant soaking in the sun. In my own experience, this is not true.

When I first started college I was the poster child of the high performing student: well prepared academically with a good work ethic in spite of economic disadvantages. I was on the Dean’s List. I joined clubs. It was easy. But as time went on, my personal issues began to quietly creep up and drag me down into a slow but steady spiral of overwhelming stress, anxiety, confusion, merciless perfectionism, severe and chronic procrastination, and depression. Ringing in my ears were one instructor's words, “What happened? You were such a good student...” Helplessly, all I could think was, I don’t know. I never knew how much confidence I had until I lost it. My self-efficacy was demolished, and I retreated from all but my day job. You are your own worst enemy, indeed.

I had always been easily derailed, and this was no different, only much worse. And despite reaching out for help, no one seemed to know just how to help me, so I kept spinning my wheels; the harder I tried the further I fell. Exams, once just a thing to be done, had become a source of mental anguish. Simple papers petrified me.

Ultimately, I was the one who had to teach myself to recover. In the face of high stakes, past failures, and bleak predictions, I had to will myself to accept seemingly hopeless moments as being, in fact, not the end of the world - which is very much like looking at a concrete wall and telling yourself it’s not there. I have had to learn to take my physical and emotional health seriously so I can better overcome inevitable pitfalls. Painstakingly, I have built an arsenal of thoughts and actions to counter inner and outer obstacles.

“She must expect me to fail,” I thought, looking at the the same instructor in the same class I had failed to complete...twice. It wasn’t so much the professor but my own self-doubt. So I made “Prove ‘m wrong” my holy mission. And I did, barely. Yet my metaphorical standstill turned into a hobbled limp, which very slowly turned into something of a normal pace. After years of trying and failing and finally taking the respite I should have long ago, I started to believe in myself again.

Not all my obstacles came from within: My Associate’s degree in Japanese required advisor-approval for financial aid since it was via another college (the only institution in the state offering it). One semester a new advisor denied approval. I went to the financial aid office and asked if there was anything I could do. The officer said bluntly, “No.” I was stunned to have a childhood dream of mine so abruptly ended. But a while later, my stubbornness kicked in on my behalf and I went to the head of the Modern Languages Department...and the Distance Learning Office...and my old freshman advisor... Eventually, I asked enough people with the power and will: I got my financial aid and was the first female from my university to complete the program. I am now working toward certification in translation.

Resilience is the ability to cope with misfortune, failure, and setbacks. It is to stand up when you fall, to try again (and again), to be hopeful and determined when past experiences declare your intentions foolish. It is to succeed in spite of it all (including yourself). Knowing you can bounce back allows you to breathe easier.

Most people in college are in some kind of major transition in their lives, which can create stress and uncertainty. One thing is certain: there will be struggle. Sickness, loss, lack of preparedness, external demands, emergencies, setbacks of all kinds, big and small... Maybe for some it happens earlier, for others later, but it will happen. Terrible challenges can hit you without warning and in the most unexpected ways. But anyone can cultivate resilience strategies in response to their circumstances. It can be learned. As for me, I’m still working on it. I still have to fight shadows of self-doubt, perfectionism, and stress; the difference now is that I’m winning. Resilience makes all the difference.