Roller Coaster of Life by Jessica

Roller Coaster of Life by Jessica - December 2019 Scholarship Essay

November 1st. Three months into senior year, I found myself in my bathroom crying on the floor. I sat on that bathroom floor holding a bottle of pills. As I sat on the floor, tears filling my eyes to the point of not being able to see, I wrote my letters. I wrote the last things I thought I would ever write. That bottle of pills was my only way to stop the pain inside my head. The only thing standing between making everyone around me happy and ending my pain was myself. One whole hour later, I still sat there staring blankly at the now empty bottle clenching the notes with all the strength I had left as I slowly slipped asleep. The next thing I remembered was waking up in my bed, to my best friend crying and telling me she loved me. I began to cry as I realized that I hadn’t done it “correctly” to my standards. I said repeatedly to myself “how did I fuck up this badly?” My friend sat there and just cried with me as I apologized and told her how sorry I was. The next day I signed up for my second round of counseling, which turned my life around as I met my new counselor. In the next few months, I regularly went to my new counselor Jen. She was the best person that ever entered my life and quickly helped me realize that I did not fuck up. Instead, she made me realize that I grew after that day. I confided in her that it wasn’t my first time and she told me “and it may never be your last, but, for now, it is”.

July 28th. Two and ½ weeks till move-in day. My best friend and I hung out with my boss regularly after work, going swimming, talking by the campfire, boating. It felt like any other night, but it wasn’t. One second my best friend was there and the next she was gone. The car we carpooled with was gone as well. My heart raced as I realized she had left me, with no way to get home. At first, I was okay. I knew my boss and I felt safe with his wife and brother. They offered to let me stay the night, as I worked the next morning anyway. So I accepted the offer. 3 am, groggy half asleep, I awoke to a feeling that no one should ever feel. The pressure, energy, and aggressiveness I realized were on top of me made me tremble with fear. The smell of cigarette smoke mixed with fireball. The feeling of helplessness rolled over me as he touched me. Tears welled as I began to breathe heavily with fear. I trembled as I tried to be quite as he told me to “Shut the fuck up”. I thought my fight or flight mode would kick in. That didn’t happen as I sunk deeper and deeper into a terrified ball of fear. I awoke two hours later. This man, no not man, predator, asleep beside me. I quickly called another friend, she picked me up. Within a couple of hours, I awoke again, to begin my daily routine of going to work. Back to the place where I was now so deathly afraid of. I told my best friend how the night went and the terrifying events that went down without my consent. She looked at me and said “how can you lie to me like that? I thought you were my best friend. Why the fuck do you think you can claim rape and somehow make me believe you?” My best friend was not acting like my best friend anymore. During the next two hours, I was in a trans. I wasn’t myself. I was just going through the motions, acting as though I was a robot. Making multiple trips to the bathroom to throw up and hide my tears as I worked alongside my worst nightmare. I left early that day. Then two weeks later I moved into my new home and my new journey began.

November 1st, July 28th. Two dates. Two different events. Those two dates showed me that sometimes life is a rollercoaster. Although it doesn’t end the same, it doesn’t mean that it defines me. Those dates do not define me as a person. Those experiences show that no matter where, or what you have gone through you will never be the person you were yesterday. Every day I wake up, grateful for November 1st. The day I could’ve ended it but I didn’t. I wake up remembering that July 28th does not define me. I remind myself, that I am a survivor. I am worth more than what that predator took away from me that night. My security, my sense of self-worth and self-confidence. My life was turned upside down. I grew from those experiences. I am proud of who I am because if I never found who I am today here at Castleton University. If I never made it through those difficult trials of life, I never would have met the amazing people I have here at Castleton and I never would have followed my dream of becoming a music educator to show kids just like me what the power of music and the world of music is capable of.