Love Yourself First by Jessica

Love Yourself First by Jessica - June 2014 Scholarship Essay

Every year I listen to Baz Luhrman’s song “Everybody’s Free” to recalibrate my goals for the year. This year it was so much more meaningful than before. I received some devastating information about someone I love in January that caused me to lose my job, my best friend and my trust for many people around me. After months of recovering from this event I realized that I had no legs to stand on. I had put all of my eggs in one basket, and it wasn’t my own basket. Baz Luhrman so blatantly pointed out, “Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; you never know when either might run out.” The news I received shook my world to the core and the solid ground that I once stood upon became broken and unstable. If I were to write a book it would be about growing one’s self before dedicating any effort towards growing outside relationships.

In my book I would explain the difference between codependence and independence. People believe that this is a simple concept, but in practice it is much more difficult than it sounds. When I was 15 I met my husband. I am an incredibly driven person; I was a running start student and captain of the dance team. I was determined to earn my Associates degree at the same time as my high school diploma. My husband’s family decided that they were going to move to California. He had to move out if he wanted to stay in Washington, and he couldn’t afford it on his own. He urged me to continue living with my parents and finish college before even thinking about moving out. I thought that growing my relationship with him was more important than cultivating my individual progress. I moved out six months before graduating high school. I married my husband when I was 19. I finished my high school diploma but not my Associates degree. My dad grew ill with a terminal illness and so we decided to have out first child so that my children would know their grandpa. I spent more time being concerned about other people needs that I forgot to take care of my future. Now, ten years after marrying my husband I feel uneasy about my future and I want to know that I could take care of my children and myself on my own. Things change, sometimes in only a moment, as Baz Luhrman put it, “The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm of some idle Tuesday.”

The next section in my book would be about knowing how capable a person is. Growing up I was the fat kid. I was told everything from, “you are just built big” to “you’re big boned”. I accepted that as fact. Finally in 2013 I grew sick of being fat. So I went online to find my ideal weight. I found out that I have a small frame and that I was 50 pounds overweight. I have lost 60 pounds now and I am a half marathon runner. I believed that I was not capable of being “skinny” or being a “runner” but now I am both. Here I am, almost 30 years old and I am just now getting to know who I am, and what I am capable of. Question everything that people say to you, and don’t listen to those that label you. You are perfectly you. You can fly, don’t let someone clip your wings, they can’t if you don’t allow them to.

“Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.” Don’t get consumed in filling your life with other people until you have loved yourself. If loving yourself means getting an education or becoming a runner, do it. My husband and I are celebrating our 10 year anniversary together this month (June 2014). I would never have wanted to marry anyone else, but for his sake and for mine, I wish I would have loved myself first.