Ready to Race by Jennifer

Ready to Race by Jennifer - November 2013 Scholarship Essay

As a kid, I had a rough family life, and promised myself that I would get good grades because it was the ticket out into something better. I loved learning and I could see so many possibilities that I didn't know which future to choose.

That all changed one day when I was listening to the teacher and suddenly I was somewhere ELSE. I only saw warm, glowing whiteness all around me. I began to panic, but a sense of overwhelming peace and calm washed over me. I felt a reassuring presence, then a swell of happiness like I had never felt before.

Suddenly, it vanished. I woke up to faces peering down with looks of astonishment, fear, and disgust. The rest of class passed in a blur. I couldn't understand what the teacher was talking about and my whole body felt like bees were buzzing under my skin. Light was blinding me. But I was elated. I was certain that I, a cynical little Atheist Goth teen had seen GOD!

When I got home, I announced, "Mom, I believe in God now, because I SAW him at school today!" I knew she would be happy that my days of practicing Wicca or insisting that Church and God were a cruel patriarchal oppression of the masses were over. Instead, she wore a look of concern.

" I'm going to call the doctor," she said, instead of giving me the hug I had expected. I was curious what a doctor had to do with anything, but I just figured she hadn't paid attention. Soon after, I was being admitted to Memorial hospital.

They wheeled me down a hall past other patients, and I felt like I was being admitted to an insane asylum. People were standing around, staring at the wall blankly, or repeatedly wringing their hands. One woman would suddenly shriek at the top of her lungs, and then stare vacantly out into space.

"Mom, why am I here?" I asked. I had expected a visit to church!
"This is the neurological ward. They want to test and see if you have epilepsy," she replied. "Don't worry, none of the tests hurt. But they want to monitor you."
"What's epilepsy?" I asked.
"The nurse can explain it best," she said. We got to my room, and she kissed me on the head.
"I have to go. Don't worry, I'll see you in the morning." I shrugged and nodded, knowing that my fear didn't matter. The easiest thing was to not put up a fuss.
" I just wanted to read anyway." I pulled open Tolkien's "The Hobbit" and pointedly began reading before she had even left.
The nurse, face full of embarrassing pity, said, "Don't worry, it really isn't a big deal. We just need you here if you have another one so we can monitor you right away." she handed me a paper cup with little blue pills in it.
"What are they?" I asked, knowing I would have to take them anyway.
"It's called Phenobarbital." I shrugged again and took them like a good little girl.

The edges of my vision began to darken, and "The Hobbit" became a dwindling speck down a long, dark tunnel. The last thing I remember was the book falling, open from my fingers and losing my page.

After the hospital visit, tests, and eventual diagnosis of Epilepsy, my drug regimen began. The changes to my brain chemistry were profoundly devastating. I could no longer concentrate or focus. It was a struggle to do everything. I never really got used to the side effects. The doctor would prescribe something to fix a side effect, which gave me more side effects, so I gave up.

As I grew up, things got worse. I couldn't stand up to the pace in college. I dropped out, took a dead end job. After my first child, the sleep deprivation took its toll and I had so little function that I actually got fired for being sick. I filed disability, and resigned myself to living out my life firing on 2 cylinders when I knew I had a v8 engine.

Then my new neurologist tried what no one else had - two epilepsy medicines. I could focus again. I didn't constantly feel like half of my face was burning, or try to eat soap. All of the weirdness and fatigue that had permeated the last 15 years of my life vanished.

I knew that my engine could run on all 8 cylinders again, and I was ready to race. I waited a few months to make sure it wasn't just a lucky streak, or some random cruel fluke. I know now that I can take up where I left off.

15 years after giving up on life, I have enrolled in Eastern Florida State College. I will major in Computer Science for my Associates degree, and then transfer to Florida Institute of Technology for an Engineering degree. I will specialize in Software Engineering and help design software to aid people with disabilities. With smartphone technology, software can be designed to help people with limited motor control, hearing or even seeing.

I can pay back my family and society, who has supported me for the last 10 years. I have my life back. Nothing will stop me. I am going to be amazing!