No by Jennifer

Jenniferof Grand Rapids's entry into Varsity Tutor's August 2014 scholarship contest

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Jennifer of Grand Rapids, MI
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No by Jennifer - August 2014 Scholarship Essay

Failure was not an option, but I failed anyway. As a straight-A student with a full class load and a few AP classes, I was beginning to think myself Superwoman. Working a few hours a week cleaning an office and volunteering periodically at a local food pantry on top of school complicated my schedule some, as did my job grocery shopping and cooking for my family during the week. However, somewhere in my delusional brain, I thought it would be possible to run track in the spring (in retrospect, I think I forgot about Irish dance and Science Olympiad practices). Despite my best attempts at organization, I already struggled to balance sleep with activity, so blocking off another three hours every day for intense exercise proved to be a terrible idea. However, as I lightly commented to my mother when questioned, I hadn't reached my limits yet, and there was no sense in stopping until I found them.

Common knowledge holds that the most impressive student is the one who can balance school, work, extracurricular activities, and community service while maintaining a perfect GPA. I drove myself into the ground following that prerogative, but I would do it again. The experience taught me some humility, which I needed desperately at the time. I learned to step back and prioritize, to place importance on the things most important to me rather than the things my counselor and parents thought would look impressive on college applications. Most importantly, I learned to quit.

From childhood, I knew that quitting was unacceptable; I had to work until the task was finished. As I grew older, I expected myself to both complete the task and complete it well, becoming a bit of a perfectionist. When I joined the track team, I was not the best runner by any stretch of the imagination, but putting every ounce of energy I had into it satisfied me. Unfortunately, I used that approach with everything and was soon exhausted. My grades suffered, Spanish taking the worst hit when the sole extra credit opportunity coincided with my track meet, and AP exams and standardized tests came closer. Finally, I quit.

Quitting track was one of the most difficult things I've done, not because of the physical stress of reorganizing myself or the desire to fulfill expectations, but because I had to break my own paradigm. The girl who refused to quit anything became a quitter in her own eyes, and it was only with time to realize how much better my life was after quitting that I recovered. Overnight, my identity seemed to change, and it was frightening. However, I think it was necessary. Without forcing myself to quit something, I would not truly know discipline or have an accurate measure of my own abilities. Better, I believe, that I learned to quit in high school rather than in college, better to learn to fall early. Although it was difficult, those weeks of stress and confusion strengthened me, bringing me past my lowest point of discouragement and teaching me my limits. Through the failure to fulfill my expectations for myself, I learned a word that has become surprisingly valuable: no.

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