Regarding God and Boyfriends: by Jasa

Regarding God and Boyfriends: by Jasa - April 2021 Scholarship Essay

Five years ago, I sat at my crappy school laptop, bitter, furiously deleting all evidence of the Google Hangouts conversation I had shared with my first boyfriend. We had been dating for a whole two months by that point, so, naturally, I wondered whether I was going to marry him. And naturally, I was heartbroken when he wasn’t the one. That was a bizarre couple of weeks.
In fact, that whole period of my life is weird to look back on, full of questions and emotions and a general fear of the future. I’d nearly finished a year of high school, and the notion of growing up was terrifying. Nevertheless, I marched on through life, figuring out who my friends were, what I valued, whether I believed in God. I screwed up. I had fun. Overall, it was good, but perhaps a bit of advice would have helped during that awkward transition into semi-adulthood.
Still, when I consider what advice I would give to my younger self, I don’t have a solid response. I remember having to answer a question in my English class about where I hoped to be in five years and not knowing what to say—not even caring. It’s been five years now. And I’m here. Only now, I’m wondering what I’d say back, and I sit with the same uncertainty. Because I don’t think I’d say anything.
I wouldn’t tell myself who my friends are or what I value. I wouldn’t explain my thoughts on God. I wouldn’t even tell myself not to waste my time on that boyfriend; he and I are friends now. It’s not about having no regrets—I suppose I do have regrets, after all. But I figured a lot of stuff out during that time. I’m the person that I am because of the way the past nineteen years have panned out. I’m every good and bad choice I’ve made—every good and bad thing I’ve experienced. I wonder if any advice from myself would have made me different.
And I know some parts of me are a little bit messy—I am by no means perfect.
But I think I’m okay with that.