Perfect Performance by Eliene

Perfect Performance by Eliene - February 2017 Scholarship Essay

The final notes of “Viola Concerto” by Bela Bartók faded away. It was my turn. I waited for my friend Katie to bow and for the applause to die down before standing up shakily, gripping my violin as if it were my last hope. The only sound was the pounding of my heart, and the slight dizziness I felt made everything seem off-kilter.
“Is this really happening?” I thought to myself. Nothing felt real. It was all a nightmare and I was the star.
Throughout my life I have always struggled with presenting something in front of others, from performances on stage to even sharing ideas in class. I was labeled as “shy” and was content with the protection of this label. I wasn't usually forced to talk in front of many people or even read aloud in class if I didn't want to. As time passed, this label slowly turned into something to be avoided. Almost like being called “fat”, or another word society has given a negative connotation to, being shy was synonymous with being weak and ignored. I knew that I wanted to change and draw others in with my confidence, but my entire life I was already known to be the quiet one. By using the violin as my medium, I allow my voice to be heard no matter how I perceive myself.
Taking a deep breath, I raise my bow and the first notes of Accolay’s “Concerto in A minor” pierce the silence. Reality comes rushing back and I let the piano accompaniment ground me. Note after note, my fingers swiftly take control until my panicking brain catches up. Before I know it, I am halfway through the piece.
“Wow, this isn't so bad!” I think to myself and of course that is the exact moment I miss a note.
It was only one singular note that easily could have been forgotten, but not by me. My brain froze with fear and this time my fingers faltered, unsure of what to do now that we had made numerous mistakes, one right after another. Slowly my bow ground to a halt and the accompaniment filtered out until it was just the pianist playing the melody for me, trying to get me back on track.
Still frozen, my mind was caught in an endless loop: “You failed just like you thought you would. Everyone thinks you suck.” Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes. I was not only going to fail on stage but also cry in front of the whole audience? I couldn't believe it. All those hours spent practicing, wasted. I wanted to run off stage.
Instead, I picked up my bow and asked the accompanist in a shaky voice, “Can we start from measure 153 please?”
“Yep, you got it!” The accompanist nodded encouragingly and I restarted, this time determined to get to the end no matter how many times I messed up.
After the recital ended, all the performers convened to congratulate each other and celebrate all the hard work they put in. Embarrassed, I packed up my violin and awkwardly stood in a corner, waiting for my parents to give the final verdict. As I waited, people walked by and a random parent came up to me, “You know, that was very brave of you to continue performing!”
Another parent chimed in, “Yes, it must’ve been hard to start playing again!”
“Thank you,” I replied, only half believing their praise.
Finally my own parents approached me and said, “We’re glad you kept on going.” I nodded and wondered if maybe it wasn't just about how perfectly you played a piece, but also whether you were able to keep on going after something went wrong.
Of course, that wasn’t the last time I made a mistake while performing. In fact, I have made many a mistake while performing since then. What I have learned now is how to keep on going after my mistakes, no matter how much I want to run off stage.