Polaroid Reflections by Christin Faith

Polaroid Reflections by Christin Faith - March 2017 Scholarship Essay

I would stand before my school and proclaim that when I was eight, I realized I had the ability to stop time.
Clutching my bulky Hello Kitty polaroid camera in one hand and my guinea pig named Princess in the other, I captured what can only be referred to as the first ever selfie. I set the crayon shaped polaroid on my dresser and attempted to show Princess how photogenic we were while she squirmed and crawled away.
Day after day the picture sat on my dresser, gathering dust. Day after day I grew older while the photographed me never aged, never changed expression. I admired this.
Some days I wished I could go back to this version of myself. Days, when I failed a Physics Quiz, or my pants felt too tight. Days when I thought a boy broke my heart, or little girls made me feel inferior on the playground, or the day my sister died.
I envied my younger self for never having to feel these things. She never felt insecure and stupid and vulnerable and lonely. She never had to experience grief, rejection, loss. All she had to worry about was cleaning her Guinee pig’s cage when it started to smell.
Other days I rejoiced in my life. Days when I drove wherever I wanted, or picked out my own clothes. Days when adults talked to me as an equal, or I found out a boy liked me back, or when I singlehandedly got my first job. Days when so many people told me happy birthday, and many more gave me hugs. Days when my heart was full and I felt so loved.
These days I pitied the little girl in the picture. She had never been independent or developed her own opinions or experienced beautiful and terrifying things. She never felt pride in her accomplishments, or appreciated for her work, or voluntarily loved.
I viewed my sister’s body today, and I felt both of these things. I wished I could avoid this experience yet I delighted in having cared so much. Today I grieved and cried and screamed but the little girl in the photo never stopped smiling. Today I felt so loved.
In the end, I would say everything must evolve or else perish. Everyone must change, adapt. Today I am grateful that I stopped smiling, that I developed other expressions and emotions. I am grateful for my pains and failures. I am grateful for my triumphs and achievements. My appreciation for one is not greater than the other, for they all contributed equally to my life.
We must not be afraid of change. Fear is nothing more than an obstacle to our personal growth. It is overcoming this that leads the development of a wiser and stronger version of ourselves. Live fearlessly, grow exponentially, enjoy every moment.