The Inspiration for Recovery by Cassandra

The Inspiration for Recovery by Cassandra - April 2014 Scholarship Essay

Nic Sheff, the protagonist in Tweak, was an exceptional character who encouraged me toward self-betterment. Although Tweak was classified as fiction, the author explains it was also a memoir, making the story even more inspiring. Nic’s story of addiction, repeated relapse, and ultimately recovery, inspired me to believe it is possible to recover from the destructive patterns in my life. Unlike myself, Nic had a family which loved him enough to provide for and be involved with multiple and extensive rehabilitation clinics, hospitalized detoxification, and other recovery oriented therapies. Although he started younger and with a more secure background than I did, we both progressed through dependency nearly identically, beginning with the same drugs and experimenting with the same substances along the way, eventually winding up addicted to methamphetamines and heroin. My primary addiction was heroin, and I got lucky I found Nic’s story and a couple other signposts to lead me back to sobriety before I hit rock bottom. Unlike myself, Nic had to relapse several times before working through his problems sufficiently to ensure lasting sobriety. Between these patches of calm, Nic’s life would descend into total chaos, where he did nearly anything for the money necessary to maintain his addictions, including stealing from his parents and siblings, his employers, girlfriends, and others, committing crimes of opportunity, and engaging in homosexual prostitution (despite his obviously heterosexual nature).

Nic’s description of himself and his feelings resonated with me, everything from the way his mind incessantly talked to him, to the constant rapid cycling of depression and euphoric energy, which made him desperate for even artificial stability - regardless of damaging long-term consequences. As he struggled with issues which made him feel isolated and dejected, he recognized he wanted more from life than the numbing shield of addiction. Nic’s personal growth in his change from believing in the beginning that the greatest gift in the world was simply not to care, to his desire in the end for genuine change, self-love, and a healthy relationship with his family, is truly phenomenal and inspiring.

Nic described himself as being repeatedly overwhelmed by the destruction he created within his life, continuously building everything up only to tear it down worse than it was the last time, until nothing but chaos and pain remained. Hearing this story, understanding the cycles of addiction, and empathizing with the despair and desperation inherent in Nic’s struggle opened my eyes in a way that all the anti-drug education classes had failed to do. His story helped me to understand that I was not alone in my addiction or the hopelessness I felt, and that it was never too late to try again. Nic worked with a couple different sponsors - each of whom worked the twelve steps in their own way. While each of them helped him for a while, it wasn’t until he spent four months in a comprehensive rehabilitation treatment facility that he was able to address all aspects and causes of his dependency. While twelve step programs have obviously worked for some people, no one program is for everyone. Nic explains repeatedly that the heavy involvement of God in most twelve step programs was always an issue for him due to his lack of belief. Being similarly inclined myself, I was able to identify with Nic’s issues as he worked the religious program. The way Nic explained the comprehensive treatment program, which enabled him to maintain his sobriety long-term, allowed me to have some of the same benefits he gained for himself. His detailed accounting of therapies and conversations allowed me to begin working with myself in a lot of the same areas which were important in his recovery, and which likewise became crucial to my own progress.

Nic was brutally honest in his accounting, as he described with perfect accuracy the miserable nature of addiction and the withdrawal process. He also never hesitated in admitting to psychosis, blackouts and memory loss, feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing, or any of the multitude of shameful acts which he committed throughout the years of his struggle with addiction. The exceptional honesty with which he conveyed his story was definitely an attribute worthy of my aspiration. Nic explained that, although most are reluctant to share shameful or embarrassing aspects of their lives with others, it is important for him to share and be honest about his life in order to have an effective and lasting recovery. He was very adamant that regardless of the shameful things he did in his life, he was not ashamed of himself as a person, because he knew and accepted who he was. Nic acknowledged both his strengths and his weaknesses as parts of himself, and emphasized the importance of not trying to be anyone other than himself. Not only has his story of persistence and triumph offered me hope, his mission of personal truth and growth have guided me to hold myself to the same high standard. Although it has certainly taken work, I am now proud of my addiction and overcoming an obstacle as immense as heroin dependency. This is a fact for which I will be forever grateful, as now I am able to claim both my demons and my triumphs, as well as offering up my own story to the world without being ashamed or afraid of my past.