Failing Yourself - Finding Yourself by Caroline

Failing Yourself - Finding Yourself by Caroline - February 2017 Scholarship Essay

Picture this: a 13 year old girl; tall, blonde, lanky, intelligent, band “geek.” Society has these unfulfillable expectations toward people. If someone doesn’t conform to the rules they have set out, or the mold they have fashioned, they become an outcast, ready to be ridiculed by his or her peers. I was the girl who broke the mold of preppy, athletic, fashion aware teen. I didn’t dress like the girls I was surrounded by. I didn’t have a boyfriend, or a line of boys who wanted to fill such a position. I didn’t flirt with the jocks, or try out for cheerleading. I was just a girl who didn’t fit the mold that was set in front of me.
At the time I didn’t truly understand that I was actually being bullied. It started with people laughing at me in between classes, or not wanting to sit with me at lunch or walk to class next to me. I thought I could gain peoples’ approval by losing weight. Looking back now, being 5 feet and 6 inches tall lead to a high rate of metabolism for a 13 year old. I didn’t have the weight to lose. I started by skipping breakfast, then lunch, then only eating small dinners to keep up appearances to my parents. I began to have dizzy spells and lose feeling in my toes and fingers. I didn’t realize I was starving myself. I simply thought I would gain control over my life, and therefore gain my peers’ approval.
The prompt for this essay is to explain a time I have failed. Failure does not take one form. Failure can become present in any situation in many different ways. I failed myself by believing that changing my appearance alter peoples’ opinions of me. I failed myself by losing faith in my own abilities. I failed myself by looking to others to find my own self-worth. I failed myself by losing sight of what is truly important in life: my own happiness, and my own opinion of myself.
Failure doesn’t have to be a grandiose lack of achievement or mistake. Failure can be not taking care of yourself, or losing sight of what truly matters in life. I learned through my struggle with starving myself that failure teaches you important lessons that can change your life. If I had not failed myself and listened to those who have no power over my life, I would not have become the woman I am growing to be. I have regained my confidence in my own abilities. I don’t find my self-worth through others’ opinions of my body, my height, my intelligence, my abilities, or my choices. Failure allowed me to find solid ground again. I chose to let go of the lost girl I was when I stopped eating. I let go of the failure I had brought upon myself. I let go of the crumbling ground that I was standing on in order to climb toward the person I am and will continue to become. Failure isn’t who you are. You cannot allow yourself to become the person that others want to see. At the end of the day, you have to be able to look in the mirror and love the person you see in spite of your failures. I am proud of the person that I have become, and if I had not encountered and come to the realization that I was failing myself, I would not be able to see the strong girl I see when I look in the mirror today.
In the end, I don’t truly see failure as “failure.” I see it as a stepping stone to show you the places you don’t need to be, the choices you shouldn’t make, and the person you want to become. Failure shouldn’t be seen as a weakness, but rather as a courageous ability to move past our own mistakes and move toward our future.