When a flower begins to die. by Brejae

When a flower begins to die. by Brejae - April 2020 Scholarship Essay

What happens when a flower begins to die? Do you let it wilt, dry out and die; or do you remove the weeds, cut the stem and remove the blockage of dead tissue prohibiting the flower from receiving its nutrients.
Nothing hurts more than to know what you’re capable of then choosing to shoot yourself in the foot due to self-doubt. With both parents coming from broken homes and having a child at sixteen, I was doubted before the day I was born. Yes, I was doubted by the same stereotypical black family along with my fellow bitter citizens of America. However, I was doubted by the one person who should’ve been my champion all along, Myself. No, it's not because of my stereotypical black family members and no it's not because of my fellow bitter citizens. It’s because I didn't love myself enough to do better with the life that I’ve been given. It’s because I wasn’t grateful enough to understand the life I’ve been given. Instead of taking advantage of the opportunities, I chose to do nothing. I chose to do nothing when life presented me with millions. I chose loneliness instead of love. I disguised ignorance with bliss. I chose bitterness instead of sweet. I chose a screen over a test. I chose toxicity over purity and lastly I chose the world before I chose myself. My flower is wilting, my stem is dying and weeds are spreading.
There is no overnight method of removing the weeds that hinder the nutrients of a fulfilling life. Some could be ripped out, while others take proper care and patience to eliminate. I don’t have all the answers at this moment in my life; however, I do know what I want and what I’m worth. A shift in my purpose occurred when I recognized my life was portraying the weeds and the flower. Instead of sitting and watching the petals of my life shrivel and weaken, I apologized and forgave my past self to let go of the mistakes I’ve made. I cannot change the past nor do I wish to, but I do want to change where I could end up. I began to remove the weeds little by little day by day. I started to think highly of myself and wondered how far I could go in my life. After many days of doing so, I realized I could do anything I put my mind to. The person I wanted to be all this time lived within me. However, fears and self-doubt defeated her in ways she didn’t understand. The one factor that could truly stop me from happiness, health, joy, and success no longer lived within me. I now can fight my inner demons. What happens when a flower blooms? My mind is no longer the black plague hindering my soul; it is the vehicle and driving force that will continue to drive me forward never looking back.
My lucid thoughts see a girl who’s unapologetically happy. Who isn’t afraid to admit that she isn’t perfect. She isn’t afraid to sacrifice her pride by asking those who she needs for guidance. Who still believes in giving second chances to those who hurt her. Including the one who broke her from the beginning, herself. Nothing in life is ever guaranteed, However, we do have control over one thing that could be. Our own happiness.
I never allowed my education to benefit my dreams and aspirations. I felt as though I didn’t deserve to have an education. The bottled emotions inside it prevented me to believe that I did. I never worked hard to get what I wanted out of my high school career. That’s nobody's fault but my own. However, I don’t have to continue to treat myself this way. I plan to work as hard as I possibly can as I continue my education elsewhere. Receiving a college education would be the first step in the right direction for me. Going to college gives me the ability to learn more about myself as I will have to begin taking accountability for myself and my actions. This step in my life has to be the most important as college paves the way for a person's success. Not because of the degree itself, because the hard work and set of skills acquired from getting the degree is what matters most. I’m giving myself the chance to live the life that I want to live without any remorse behind the idea.