Permanence of the Mind by Ashley

Permanence of the Mind by Ashley - September 2020 Scholarship Essay

There is a concept that marks child development called object permanence. Before the age of seven months, babies do not know what exists other than what they can see in front of them. This is where the fun of peek-a-boo plays a role. Laughing bright eyes are hit with confusion and fear as their giant human disappears behind hands and ceases to be part of reality. Right as tears begin swelling, the giant emerges from the hands and all abandonment is instantly forgotten.
I think I have a lack of a sort of emotional permanence. It is similar to forgetting it could ever be cold again while I’m stuck in this southern summer. When I fail a test, I can’t quite remember all the times I have passed. When I am questioning my major, sometimes I can’t even remember the thrilling reasons I chose it in the first place. When I am eating the same six meals in our meal hall from my required first year meal plan, I already can’t remember taco nights and family grocery store runs. I tend to think that whatever is happening now will be what is going to happen forever. If that were true, I would luckily be just fine in my current circumstances forever, but it isn’t true. My surroundings and activities will change drastically yet again, and my goal for this year is to be brilliantly excited about all of the possibilities I can’t yet see. I might change my major, or find another reason to like it. I will pass all of my classes, even if it doesn’t feel like it some weeks. I will be able to have dinner with my family again, every Sunday, and I will yet again be able to pet our puppies and talk to my sister without six feet of distance and masks, even if I can’t imagine it yet.
The past is not gone just because I can’t picture it anymore, and the future is not empty and hopeless just because I can’t see it. Every day, I want to remind myself to have permanence of the mind. For me, this includes both hope for the future and happiness in the past. The present is not the only place that exists, I have been confident and motivated in the past, and I will be those things again, even when all I can see is uncertainty and fear.