The Joys of Mascara Smudges by Alixandra

The Joys of Mascara Smudges by Alixandra - November 2016 Scholarship Essay

I cannot wait for people to see my mascara smudges. When most people think of college, they probably consider the diversity, the opportunities for new friendships, a chance to wipe the slate clean and start over, and being able to learn from professors who will probably blow my mind by taking lessons I have heard many times before and re-teach them in completely new, mind-bending ways. I look forward to all of these aspects of the college experience, but none of them, in my opinion, quite compare to completely losing my safe haven from the outside world. When someone asks why I want to go away, I tell her that I want become confident enough to show my flaws, my mascara smudges, to the world.
In the social media-fueled twenty-first century, it is easy to believe that privacy is dead. But how can privacy be dead when I still have a bedroom with a door that I can freely close, locking everything else out? I have no siblings, so I have never had to share that door with anyone. It was always mine. When I go away to college, it will not be that simple. I will have a roommate, possibly two, who will be with me all of the time. She will be with me when I get up in the morning, and she will be there when I collapse into bed at night. I will probably share a bathroom with many other students on my floor, as well as a kitchen and a common room. Compared to college, right now, I might as well be living in a tower. So why would I want to tie my bed sheets together (as my hair is simply not that long) and climb out? The answer is easy: mascara smudges.
I want people to see my flaws, to know the worst of me. In college, with no privacy, I can’t hide who I am. In high school, there is prep time before I get to school, before the bell rings and whatever appearance I have chosen to project is locked in for the day. I have time to get an outfit together, apply make-up, and look at myself in the mirror before the eyes of others can find me. I don’t have that luxury in college. Once my eyes are open, the eyes of others turn to me, and that’s it. I go from the luxury of hours of privacy to bare seconds. And once those seconds are gone, I will be grateful.
I will be grateful because I will have to be confident in who I am from the moment I wake up. I will be forced to be proud of who I am, from those two unpolished toe nails on my left foot to the bits of mascara I missed getting off from last night, from the fear I have about what comes next to the distinct lack of light shining through my eyes. I need at least one hour of consciousness and two cups of coffee to get that spark. If my roommate is okay with me for who I am, I will be so happy that I get to share my door with her. If she isn’t, then I hold my head high anyway, not judging her for that pile of dirty shirts consuming the end of her bed. If my floor mates do not accept me as a tired, grumpy mess (which would most likely define a lot of teenagers), then that is what that door is for.
I will be most thankful for college’s ability to force me to be fully confident in myself. I keep my chin up when I am around others, but that is nothing compared to suddenly being awake and being self-assured at the same time. Is college a miracle that takes away all insecurities? My guess is no. Does college force me to fix the flaws that I can change? I’ll say yes now, and in a year, I’ll work every day to make it the truth. More than that, I believe college can force me to be content with the flaws that make me… me. This is what I will be grateful for. I will go to college, I will get mascara smudges, and one day, I will learn to love them.