Habits by Zane

Habits by Zane - August 2022 Scholarship Essay

I sit there quietly in my room, staring at a bright computer screen. It was the middle of the first semester of my junior year in high school. My school was virtual, so sitting at the computer was no big deal, but at the time it was. I stared at my grades in my dark bedroom with sadness and disbelief.

I was usually an honors student and through my hard work, I received A's and B's. This year though was different, it was harder, and it was even depressing at times. As I stared at the screen, I began to cry, and I never usually cry over something school related. I saw that for the first time I had a D in one of my classes. It was AP Chemistry, a class I thought I would have in person and that it would be fun. I would've had friends in the class, and we could help each other. I would've also had one of my favorite teachers.

My dad came into my room and asked me why I was crying. All I could say through tears was that I was failing, and I knew he would get mad at me. That's usually what happens if I don't get at least a B. He said some words and I said some words, then he left me alone. I was still upset, but I knew he was right and that I could only blame myself.

Though that year was different from the rest.

I had no motivation.

I felt during that junior year with COVID-19 I was more depressed than usual. I couldn't go out. I couldn't see my friends. I was stuck in the house and I couldn't even go see a movie. It was very suffocating. So many thoughts would rush through my head.

Those thoughts and my actions all combined into one led me to not care or think that much in school. This class was harder than I thought, or maybe it was just because I wasn't doing the work. Before this year, I always did all of my work to the best of my abilities. Though, because of this class, I didn't have to do the daily work. I didn't even look at it half the time, minus when it was class time. In addition, I also didn't study when I knew I needed it. My grades suffered because of the actions I took.

Then the next year we were allowed into the building. I was grateful for that, as I could see my friends and talk to teachers and more. I was ecstatic! Furthermore, I thought this year I would do better, and I would go back to how it was before Covid. Spoiler alert, I only halfway did what I believed I would.

In my senior year, I did get good grades, but my habits were still visible. I didn't study, but I did do the daily work, most of the time. When I saw the good grades on the computer screen, I was thrilled, but I did get some bad grades now and then.

Jump forward a few months and I have graduated. It is August and I look at the computer screen once again as I get ready to set off for my first year of college. I am hopeful for a new start and beginning. I am exhilarated to be able to live on my own and discover who I am.

I know though that I must go back to my good habits. I need to study. I need to do the work, and I also need to learn that it's okay to ask questions and come to office hours when needed. These past two years have belittled me to an puzzled state, and now I need to put the pieces together again.