Finding Balance in Competition by Sophia

Finding Balance in Competition by Sophia - August 2022 Scholarship Essay

When first reading this prompt, I had one of my longest standing goals immediately pop into my head. I got a piece of paper and started brainstorming some of my academic goals for my last year of high school, and despite how hard I tried to think of any other, my first goal engulfed any others. While it may not compare to other grandiose academic ambitions, my personal academic goal this year is to finish a semester of math with an A, for the first time ever.

Incredibly underwhelming compared to other goals, this one has stuck with me as something I know can be accomplished, year after year, always just barely missing the cutoff by a couple percentage points. One of my most prevalent memories of having this goal was in seventh grade, in mere pre-algebra. Scoring high enough to place in the advanced math classes in school, I was surrounded by high achievers and seemingly child prodigies. I never completely understood why I was there, as all I really enjoyed was reading and writing, never with a strong suit for math. At the end of every quarter, our middle school would host a straight A lunch off-campus, during school hours! The best thing in the eyes of an overachieving nerd who wanted nothing more than to buy pizza on the principal's dime and hold bragging rights forever. However, I never could defeat that B next to math, surrounded by all the other A’s on the quarter grade report. “Next quarter.” Nope, but that didn't stop me from trying.

When I entered high school, everything changed. In real honors classes now, I found myself struggling to study for tests and understand certain curriculum. I was also dealing with other factors like anxiety brought on by leaving a middle school of 300 to a high school of 5,000; needless to say the competition was surprising. But that's all it became, competition. I involved myself in sports, clubs, eventually National Honor Society, and even another sport. How much could I do, how far could I push myself while keeping those straight A’s and B?

At the end of freshman year when quarantine hit, the stress stopped. Not knowing anything was demoralizing for a while, but it gave me time to pick up hobbies and focus on controlling my anxiety. I was unaware of how much the sudden lack of constant competition that I have felt for years would affect me and almost all aspects of my life. Sophomore year began and I could barely pull myself out of bed to get to the computer for class, much less anywhere else. I stopped talking to most of my friends and working out. I dealt with depression, anxiety, extreme migraines from the computer screen, and side effects from other medicines. Notably, I hated Algebra II and everything involved. I skimmed through both semesters with a B and was officially inducted into the National Honor Society, but was struggling to find ways to cope with this feeling of loss and the grief I felt for my old life.

Later that year, I started seeing a therapist who helped me manage some of this anxiety and supported me with other issues relating to my mental health. More excited than anything to go back to school in person, I started junior year with some worry about math. Enrolled in Dual Enrollment for Math 126/127, earning double the credits and hopefully being able save some money later as it was a college class, I was nervous for good reason. Despite this, I soon found out I had one of the most inspiring and helpful math teachers at our school as my teacher who made a huge impact on how I learned. Unsurprisingly, this class was HARD. I failed my first test in this class, failed many homeworks, and went through many erasable pens to keep up with the apparent geniuses. I finished the first semester with straight A’s and my first C ever in that class, much to my disappointment. About half my peers dropped the class before the second semester, but I was committed to beating Math 127 no matter how many late nights it was taking. I failed many more tests, but poured a gross amount of hours into studying and practicing things that I was good at. I balanced school, two sports, honor society, and a social life. This year I got my drivers license and eventually received the most improved award on my swim team. With a thriving mental health, the competitiveness and the pressure to be perfect became less crushing, I felt genuinely happy for the first time in years. I built a great relationship with my math teacher and hated the subject much less, even tutoring for the class on the side for some extra money. After weeks of studying for the final, I got a low C and finished with an 80%, something I was proud of.

This year I am enrolled in AP Statistics with the same teacher and most of my friends. I am excited to prioritize my mental health over any grade, because I know that's the most important aspect I need to maintain to achieve my academic goal of finally getting that A in math, and maybe treating myself to that straight A lunch.