Learning to Live beside the Chasm by Shelby

Learning to Live beside the Chasm by Shelby - December 2022 Scholarship Essay

There are many times in my life when I have looked out upon the chasms of life and found myself gasping for courage that is out of my reach. Recently, I find myself sitting on the edge of a brand new chasm. It taunts me, jet black as it expands, its depth incomprehensible. I live in a house with my grandmother, as I have for about nine years, but these past few months have made it feel like I no longer live with her. My grandmother and I used to be the best of friends. There was not a breath that I took that I did not want to share with her, but now I wake up in her house every day and feel as if I am moving around a ghost of her former self. My grandmother is losing the memories that make her any more than a shell of life. Her memory loss has made her more unfiltered and unkind in the way she treats others. It feels as if I share my house with a police officer who is standing over my shoulder, waiting for me to make a mistake. That is where my courage fails. I have a million fond memories of my grandmother – memories of making homemade candy, sunbathing together, and crafting friendship bracelets. It takes great courage to hold on to these memories of the past when the present is viciously and swiftly erasing them. It takes courage not to want to lie next to her all day, mourning one who is still living. I sit on the edge of this chasm, knowing that I will never reach the other side. I try to muster the courage to live life alongside this chasm, pretending it is not there, but this is a chasm of life at which I look with defeat, knowing that my courage sat down to take a rest a long time ago.

Since realizing that this is a struggle that will never be overcome - an illness that my grandmother faces that will never be cured - I look at life differently. 2022 has been a dreadful year full of many tears shed over the loss of my bond with my grandmother. As I enter 2023, however, I see my grandmother as a relationship to be savored, to be cherished until it is gone. I wish to remind her that she is loved and to treasure the love she has in which showered me in years past.