Independence by Sara

Independence by Sara - January 2018 Scholarship Essay

Abuse
Pain. Fear. Depression. These are words that come to mind when I think of relationships. I was in a very toxic relationship my first two years of high school; everyone knew how abusive it was but me. It's scary to look back on it because now all I can think is why I let it happen. Why did I let someone abuse me, and call me such vulgar names? Why did I put up with it? I was so in love with ____, now my nightmare, once my knight in shining armor.
I couldn’t focus on my school work. My first two years of high school my grades suffered. All I wanted to do was talk to ____. If I didn’t constantly text him, he would start the accusations and name calling. Verbal abuse was just the beginning of it all. Though I knew he was just calling me names to control me, it would break me into a person that I'm not. I could not be the happy bubbly person I truly am.
I couldn't focus on myself. Every morning I was greeted with depression and anxiety that stayed with me throughout the day. All I ever wanted to do was go home and sleep. I could never muster up the courage to go out. I couldn't focus on being happy. I was too worried about ____ and what he thought of me, what I did, and how I acted. He had such an image painted in his mind of me, but it wasn't the real me. He was so convinced that I was this fictitious woman that, at my lowest, he almost had me believing that I was nothing more than the girl he dreamt I was.
I had a solid group of friends going into high school, but my relationship with ____ ruined all of them. I was truly alone. Everyone around me would make fun of me and say, “You’re only in high school you can’t love him; it’s stupid.” That made me feel weak. That's why I relied on ____; he was my rock, but I wasn't his. I was never good enough for him. No matter what I did, he wasn’t pleased.
After two years I finally had enough. We broke up, and I allowed myself to block him out of my life. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I loved him, and now I had to act like he didn't exist. That was the worst pain I ever felt. I still feel pain to this day knowing that he’s happy and doesn’t care what he put me through. He moved on with his life, without me.
I am happy that I went through that relationship so early in my life because moving on has made me a better person. I don’t allow people to walk all over me anymore. I hold my head high, keep a positive attitude, and wear a smile on my face every day. I walk around and show people that I have overcome all the obstacles that were thrown my way.
I realize the support of one’s family is one of the strongest bonds anyone can have. They saw what was happening and tried to tell me to get me away from the situation, but I just wasn’t ready to listen. They were there through it all, especially after, to pick up all of the pieces and help put me back together.
Going to college, getting an education, and building myself a career is extremely important to me. Independence is my number one priority. I never want anyone to have the power to hold me prisoner in an abusive controlling way ever again. I want to have the ability to walk away from any negative situation that might come my way in the future. The most important lessons I took away from this experience are; I will keep learning from my experiences, I will not stop even if events slow me down. I have the drive to survive and achieve. Instead of dwelling on being damaged, broken and having trust issues, I focus on healing, rediscovering myself and starting over. My abuser could not silence me so he made sure no one would listen, this taught me a lot about the people I surrounded myself with and about the kind of person I never want to be. “Often it isn’t the initial trauma that creates seemingly insurmountable pain, but the lack of support after.” I want to be a voice for women that don’t have a loud enough one and support women who have, are or will be going through abuse. I want to be a positive role model, showing women road bumps may slow you down but they can achieve career and personal successes when they reach for the stars and never cease trying.