Beautiful Adversities by Nicole

Beautiful Adversities by Nicole - March 2019 Scholarship Essay

Upon reflection, I would advise an incoming freshmen class that everything will work out in the end and to search for blessings in disguise during difficult time periods.

Sharing a blanket on our living room couch, I retell the tale of the leprechaun in Cantonese to my mother, carefully emphasizing the silliest moments of the story, much like my teacher did in school. We sit on our usual spot on the couch, sagging and tattered on the left side from our daily rituals of reading, eating dinner, and working together. These are some of my favorite memories with my mother before our lives indelibly changed.

It was an ordinary afternoon; I waited for my mother to pick me up from school, anticipating our day together. Hours passed. Finally, the principal called me into his office. The tension in the room was palpable as police officers walked in. Confusion and shame inexplicably shot through me as I was escorted to my mother. Flooded with instantaneous relief, I ran towards her with wide arms and a rapid succession of questions but she avoided eye contact and admonished me to be quiet. Upon arriving home, she beelined to the couch, but when I ran to my usual place beside her, she pushed me away. I was devastated.

While my 5-year old vocabulary soon expanded to include phrases like, “Mumpsy, did you take your medicine yet?”, it would be years before terms like “schizophrenia”, “psychosis”, or “altered mental status” would be added to my vocabulary. At that age, I only understood something was wrong with my mother. I’d wake in the dead of night to her relentless screams, claiming someone was trying to break into our car while police officers assured her otherwise. She’d suddenly go speechless, staring blankly while I apologized and sent the officers away. One day, I came upon her lying motionless at the bottom of the stairs. Running towards her, horror-struck at the possibility of my worst fears coming true, I was thankful to discover a pulse, but she was whisked away to the hospital before I could learn what happened.

During these frequent absences, I arranged the logistics of getting to-and-from school, cooked dinner, and looked after my little brother. Shouldering new responsibilities, I grew up quickly. I also dedicated myself to academics and extracurriculars because it gave me a sense of control over my world while my mother was checked in and out of hospitals. The couch became my go-to destination, a workspace where I still felt connected to her. The next decade unfolded like this, until my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, and my emotionally-opaque father lost his job while trying to help care for her.

It felt like my family hit rock-bottom, but something else important also changed: We began discussing the situation honestly. My parents are both immigrants with strongly ingrained cultural beliefs that mental instability is shameful and shouldn’t be discussed. This stigma surrounding mental illnesses is a deterrent I hope to spend a career fighting.

I’ve sought every available opportunity to learn more about mental illnesses, neuroscience, and healthcare. With the goal of helping other families facing similar challenges, I was thrilled to participate in Stanford’s Mental Health Innovation Challenge. Through my involvement, I learned mental health challenges were more common than I initially believed given my family’s avoidance of the topic. Additionally, I’ve learned not to blame my mother for her condition. Her episodes are triggered by her fears concerning the stigma, and she emphasizes that she’s not crazy—she just needs to feel valued.

I want my life’s work to honor my mother and prevent other families from suffering through something curable. While it’s been difficult, my mother’s condition has made me an optimist and turned me not only into someone who finds beauty in adversity, but is equipped to support others. Now, sitting on the non-tattered side of the couch and reflecting upon my circumstances, I, Nicole Liu, see how far I’ve come and envision myself being the first in my family to build a professional career.