I Had to Go by Nicole

I Had to Go by Nicole - February 2014 Scholarship Essay

"When you've suffered a great deal in life, each additional pain is both unbearable and trifling." Yann Martel's quote speaks to anyone who has suffered, but for those of us who have felt suffocated by pain, his words are being screamed at the little girl in the corner who is covering her ears like a child who doesn't want to listen anymore. I am that child. I was that child. I am an adult. That little girl is still here, she just knows how to hide now.

My father is an addict. He left his family for addiction. The fulfillment he finds there is worth more than what is found in his children. I ache, my siblings ache. For a long time, I stayed in this place of pain, feeling his rejection in everything I did or didn't do. Seeking his attention and approval in every person I encountered, wanting them to love me, except they aren't him. He does love you. I heard that from everyone. He doesn't love me. He is incapable of loving me as long as he loves his drug of choice more. That hurts, that pain cuts to the core of who I am, it has been unbearable. It has found that little girl crouched in a corner covering her ears. She doesn't want to hear excuses, they are mere lies, meant to make me feel better. The little girl wants the truth that this adult woman now seeks. Anything that happens seems a trifling matter to understanding my father's choices.

His choices are not mine. Unfortunately, his choices do affect me. I have to live with his choices, I suffer for his choices. Unlike him though, I choose to move forward in a positive direction. I choose family, friendship, love, education. I choose to take what he did and use it to help myself and help others around me. I will not be defined by him. I will use my pain to motivate me. I will take that little girl by the hand and lead her away from the corner. She deserves more. She deserves love. She deserves healing. I will help her find both. He didn't have to go. He chose to go. I won't go back, there is no going back. I had to go.