Mitchell Damuth - Facing Struggle by Mitchell

Mitchell Damuth - Facing Struggle by Mitchell - April 2024 Scholarship Essay

The idea had struck me like a punch to the face. It was instantaneous, almost like a wake up call that I had been waiting on for months. Normally, I would’ve ran to a pen and paper to write down this immaculate idea I had, but there would’ve been no point, as it was impossible for it to leave the scape of my mind. I had always been interested in the medium, and had witnessed hundreds of others go through the same thought process I was experiencing at that moment. I opened a new document, and began to plan out every aspect of the video game that I wanted to make.

I began with the story, one of the most important parts of the planning cycle. I wanted it to be gloomy, and dark, I wanted the player to feel a sort of loneliness and helplessness that hasn’t been portrayed by an author of any type thus far. I wanted to make something new, and going into the project, I had assumed this would be the hardest part, but as more and more was written, I realized it to be the opposite.

The portrayal of isolation came very easily to me, almost like second-nature. I wrote and wrote for hours, until I realized an overwhelming feeling of dread had been slowly creeping up my spine the entire time. I decided that it must’ve just been a bit of burnout, so I decided to close my computer and pick it back up the next day. However, the same dreadful feeling had decided to reappear. The cycle continued for days, each one ending with me lying in bed, confused. Why was this happening to me? Surely other people feel how I was, but I had never heard anybody ever talk about it. It wasn’t until one night where I lifted my hands from the keyboard, backed away from the glowing screen of the computer, and began to think.

It was my fault. The ideas came so easily to me because that was exactly how I had been feeling for years at that point. I felt alone, and this game just served as a reminder to that loneliness. So I decided to do what was best for me. I stood from my chair, closed the document, and gave up. The game had done nothing but make me feel horrible. It’d be stupid to think that it could offer anything positive.

Isolation, depression, anxiety, all of these words circled my mind for months after my realization. I tried and tried to forget about any bad thoughts that would lead to them, but those efforts were futile. I wasn’t happy, and I couldn’t think of anything that would help me forget about all the negativity that led to me feeling this way. But after a few months, on an average summer day, I was hanging out with a group of friends. We weren’t doing anything new or different from what we would normally do, but while we were all laughing and having a good time, I was hit with a wave of realization, running from those emotions of dread would just prolong and empower them, whereas combating them is the only possible way to realistically remove them from your life.

For months now, I have been working on the same game every night for hours at a time. It’s the reason I accepted the person I was, and why I had been working constantly to improve every part of my life to feel better. Some think it’s better to keep all negativity tucked away in the furthest parts of their minds, never to see the light of day, but to truly become a better, happier person, you have to unleash all of it, accept your flaws, and figure out a way to combat those feelings to try and be a better you.