Tic... Tic... Tic... by Mitchell

Tic... Tic... Tic... by Mitchell - May 2022 Scholarship Essay

“Why did you just wink at me?” my fourth-grade classmate asked me. I didn’t realize that I had. I felt an overwhelming urge to slam my eyes shut, so I did. Apparently, it looked like I winked at the kid. I did not have the slightest clue what response I could have given my classmate, so I shrugged his question off and acted like I didn’t know what he was talking about. This trend of events continued for the rest of elementary school. At one point, I asked my doctor what was wrong with me. He told me I had a motor tic, and I would grow out of it. I did not grow out of it.

From a young age, I have constantly felt eyes on me. My body is always doing strange things, so I know people notice me. This constant attention from both peers and strangers brought me out of my shell. It’s kind of hard to fit in when everybody is looking at you. I figured that if everyone was watching me, I might as well make it an entertaining experience for them, so in sixth grade, I began impersonating a YouTuber, Miranda Sings. She was a satirical character with whom I became obsessed with, who wore tons of bright red lipstick, talked in a very bizarre voice, and whose face was immensely over-expressive. I spoke like her in the halls at school, to my parents at home, and even in the grocery store. I was so confident in myself when I was impersonating her. Pretending to be somebody else for two years of my childhood pushed many potential friends away, but it gave me a distraction from my tics. For a while, they barely bothered me at all. As embarrassing as it is to look back at those two years of my life, the confidence I had gained from that experience is immeasurable. Not only was this a huge confidence builder, but that phase in my life was crucial to me coming out as queer. After two years of imitating the characteristics of a woman, you get a good understanding of your relationship with your gender and sexuality. Soon enough, I decided that it was time that I share my authentic self with the world, and I stopped pretending to be somebody I wasn’t. I got rid of Miranda, and I broke past the barrier that was stopping me from being true to myself.

In highschool, my tics began to get in the way of everyday tasks, and before long, I went to see a neurologist. She diagnosed me with Tourette’s syndrome. My tics would force my body to move in ways that would cause immense pain. I’ve tried multiple medicines and physical therapies to treat the pain, but nothing seems to work. It’s frustrating. I’m going to keep trying, but at the moment, the best way I’ve been able to cope with my Tourette’s is with musical theatre. Since Freshman year of highschool, my tics have only gotten worse, but on stage, they disappear. As I’ve grown more passionate about theatre, and have learned more about acting, I feel so much more freedom in my body. This was challenging for me to achieve because I have always felt so much tension in my body, and cannot control the movements I make. To feel this release of tension for even a few minutes gives me hope.

Even as a little one, I was pretty sure of who I wanted to grow up to be. “I want to be an actress” is what I told the school nurse who was merely there to help me check my blood sugar each day. I admire the blind confidence that I had in that statement. As a five year old boy, I had no idea what gender was. I didn’t know what an ingenue or a leading lady was, I just wanted to be a performer. One of the most liberating moments of my life was writing a musical about Beyblade, a toy that I was obsessed with as a young child. My queer identity is also a very important part of my youth, so naturally, I included that in the musical and I called it “Gayblades”. I spent nearly an entire summer writing that musical, thrilled to perform it some day. I did perform it. It may not have been some huge spectacle, but a handful of my friends agreed to perform it with me in one of their basements, with a grand audience of around ten. I have never had more fun. A group of teenagers putting in the time to rehearse and perform a silly musical for an audience of a few friends is magnificent to me. I refuse to give up musical theatre, as I am more free on stage than I am anywhere else. I want to continue to grow as a performer for the rest of my life so I can have a healthy space to occupy my mind and distract from my tics.