depression to hope through giving by Miranda

depression to hope through giving by Miranda - May 2022 Scholarship Essay

I used to and still have this belief that for me to be happy I had to keep running from my feelings. I had convinced myself to believe this because of my low self-esteem/depression, being bullied at 8 years old, my learning disability, and having an abusive parent. I was caught in a place where I couldn’t see a future or the good things in my life. Essentially I was growing tired of being weak so I kept telling myself that I didn’t deserve to cry if I wanted to stay strong. My perception really had only changed at 13 when my friend was having difficulties with her home life since her mother wasn’t her legal guardian from drug abuse so she had to live with her aunt and uncle. Life didn’t feel normal without her mom so for a year she had to go to the hospital multiple times on and off because of self-harm and suicidal tendencies so I put all my effort into making my friend feel like she had worth internally and externally. Thankfully she is still alive today 4 years later after her mom got custody and they moved in together. It was really painful for me to see her leave since we were childhood friends who were inseparable. So out of guilt sometimes I would cry myself to sleep out of fear that she would be gone and I couldn’t say goodbye. But still, in my heart, I knew that there would finally be some hope for her after a year of suffering and that if she had gotten away from her old life she could get relief somewhere else even if that meant now being able to see or hear her every day. I wish I could say that everything is normal with our relationship but I haven’t talked to her in two years since the pandemic started and I have her number to talk to her again. Though something about this feels different she’s changed and I've noticed it more now still I just could be overthinking for a simple explanation on how we never talked about 4 years ago and our feelings about it. It’s just something we never want to remember or encounter again. Too much-unwanted trauma would come out of it. And for me, those feelings are beginning to build up again. But even with my constant fear, I believe it gives me inner strength for survival. I keep running away having terrors about things I cannot confront head-on. Because I know that if I get stuck I can’t keep moving forward. So to help cope with these feelings I discovered that what makes me most happy is helping others and working with the environment so I started volunteering at an outdoor school by the name of Walden West which gave me this opportunity through my school where I could be a cabin leader for a week. I took a chance and I succeeded. The experience was better than I could ever imagine. I even cried on the last day with the kids. From this experience. The time I had did not heal me completely but I got hope from a lot of kids who were like my friend. And that Maybe she could live a life where she didn't have to suffer. Though every time I do go back to Walden West to volunteer I feel at peace with myself I always find a new way out of my sadness.