My Relaxed New Year by Michelle

My Relaxed New Year by Michelle - January 2016 Scholarship Essay

To start the New Year, there are many things I can think of to improve myself as a student. The usual things like study more, pay more attention in class, and spend more time on homework. For me, I think the thing that would really help me be a better student would be to relax more and stress less. I feel like if I could relax more it would help with test anxiety and being able to have a life outside of school. I have to go through and overcome a lot to get where I am today. Let me explain why I have a hard time relaxing.
When I was a senior in high school I was diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder, which obviously stemmed from something that happened when I was a child but was just making itself known as I approached adulthood. For about a year after my diagnosis I couldn’t participate in everyday things like going to a store, riding in a car, and even walking was a challenge. See with the disorders came very strange symptoms, the strangest was something called pseudo seizures. I had no control over my body going into full convulsions but it is not a neurological misfire in the brain like regular seizures. Pseudo actually means “not genuine”, it was sad and scary to learn because they felt real to me. The seizures took a while fully understand because the neurologist told me it was all in my head. Yet, I was still having full blown seizures that look and feel just like epileptic seizures. I finally came to terms with it being my heads way of saying that it was overwhelmed and could not handle anymore. That is why I have so many physical symptoms with my disorder is because your mind can only handle so much stress and trauma before your body takes over. Even though I was stuck on the bed most days, I was not able to relax because I wanted to be normal and it is very stressful not to accomplish what you want. The seizures were just one of many physical problems I had. They ranged from irritable bowel to so many sores in my mouth I could not eat, from intense migraines to extreme vertigo. All of that not even including the emotional part of it... which for me was so much worse than the physical.
The emotional symptoms included flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, and depression. Depression wasn’t one of the ailments I had started with though, I had been a little messed up but I was never depressed until they started putting me on medication. I’m surprised that I’m not still effected by the shear amount and variety of medication the doctors prescribed. The induced depression was so terrible that I would just lay on the couch, stare at the wall and cry for hours. I felt like my life was worthless. If it was not for my mom I don’t think I would be here today. I thought I would never get out of that deep dark hole, but once I got off the medication the depression lifted. My anxiety, flashbacks, and nightmares stayed until I saw a PTSD specialist. They were so intense I couldn’t really leave the house because it seemed like everything would trigger a panic attack or flashback, you can see how this would be very stressful. So after about a year of not living I decided it was time to do whatever it took to fix all these problems. I tried everything. Therapists, meditation, aroma therapy, exercise, self-help books, etc. All of that did help ease both the emotional and physical symptoms, but it wasn’t until I met Dr. Thorton, the PTSD specialist, that I really started thriving again. When I met Dr. Thorton, I had gotten well enough on my own that I had just started attending the University of Arkansas- Fort Smith. He put me through a 12 week program to work through the PTSD. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but it worked! The anxiety is the only thing left out of that horrible experience. I have to continuously work on it to keep it under control. In a lot of ways my anxiety has helped with school and in a lot of ways it has hurt me.
My anxiety is good and bad in the way that it keeps me on my toes. I am constantly worried about homework assignments and being ready for the next exam. I am always ahead because if I am not then I panic. I fear making bad grades, not having teacher approval, and missing something in class if I am not listening well enough. Most of the time I will worry so much about a test beforehand that when it is time to take it, I panic. I end up doing worse than I would have if I hadn’t worried so much. I have ADA accommodations which help ease my anxiety because I get to record lectures and take tests in a private room. The reason why relaxing would help to improve me as a student is because I need that to help me to feel more confident about tests and not sweat the rest!