The Down Not the Up by Mesmariah

The Down Not the Up by Mesmariah - December 2022 Scholarship Essay

There have been few times I was less happy than at the end of the 2022 academic year. There was no tangible reason as to why, either. While I did not love the college I was at that year, it was not a terrible time. I loved my professors, my roommate and I got along fantastically, and the activities I was in offered me tremendous opportunities. However, when I left for my five-hour trek back home, I knew I would never be returning.

Once home for summer break, I completely shut down. I was not consciously aware of how often I was in flight-or-flight mode while at school, but when my body recognized that I was now in a comfortable, safe place, it decided to sleep for weeks. I eventually did get back on my feet. By then, though, it was the end of summer! I felt as though I was completely stripped of my break. I was never able to actually enjoy my time off because it was all spent on recovering. Then I thought back on my academic career so far.

Starting in elementary school, I was in everything available. Out of school and in school activities alike, I loved them. I find extracurriculars to be the most important part of school, but that does not negate the fact that I was working a full-time job as a twelve-year-old. Once I turned sixteen, I began working a real full-time job as well. There was absolutely no time for myself, or even time to sit without the lingering thought of responsibility. This has been my personal normal for over half of my life, and it was not until my entire summer was ruined that I realized this was a problem.

I decided to take the Fall 2022 semester off. It felt like a failure. It felt like everyone was looking at me thinking, "she won't go back." Even I thought that perhaps I would not go back, but I created goals for myself so as to not go into mental atrophy.
Goal #1: Get a job.
Goal #2: Get a hobby.
Goal #3: Go to therapy.
These were easy goals. They were all completed within the first few weeks of my scholarly hiatus, but that was okay. Using these as starting points for natural growth made more sense to me than seeing them as final achievements. These are where the lessons fell into place.
Update #1: I got a job at a coffee shop that I worked at previously. It was not enough, so I
got another job at the Kansas City Zoo. Having two jobs at the same time tested my
communicative abilities like no other. Permanent documentation is important.
Update #2: The hobby chosen was astrology. I have always been interested in astrology, but
actually sitting down and learning how it works mathematically and the importance of
mythology was incredible. Still not sure if I believe in it, but I will say there are
some patterns that are inexplicable.
Update #3: My therapist told me that I am too competitive. Not so much in a jealous manner,
as in, "They do not deserve that, I do." My internal dialogue is moreso, "If they have
been capable of that success, why have I not?" This is most likely the reason why I push
myself so far.

The lesson that I learned was that if I was willing to create goals during my break, and not only keep those goals but expand on them further than originally planned, I will always have the drive to succeed. I will succeed if I want to, but success is not as important as myself. There is only one life that I am certain to live and I would rather not exist in a survival state the entire time. I will be returning classes (at a new university) for the Spring 2023 semester, and I now know that it is at the utmost importance that I allow myself to exist calmly and enjoy my time. Since I am truly incapable of not attempting excellence, it is the down that I must worry about, not the up.