I Am Strong by Melanie
Melanie's entry into Varsity Tutor's February 2024 scholarship contest
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I Am Strong by Melanie - February 2024 Scholarship Essay
I don’t consider myself a “survivor” or “victim.” There isn’t a word that describes who I am after being assaulted. I am a new person who is still growing, fighting and healing since the day he abused his power. Becoming one of his victims of manipulation doesn’t make me any less than any other woman. I am still someone's friend, loved one, and student. There was nothing that day that was taken away from me.
Being sexually assaulted was the worst thing that has happened to me, and I wish it had never happened to me but it did, and I’ve grown tremendously as a woman because of it. It was never my plan to come out and advocate for myself, but now I demand justice. I am now part of the small percentage of people that feel safe enough to fight against the abuse. The fight is not easy and will never be easy for me.
When I was fifteen and very easy to manipulate, I gave my trust to him by being alone with him. I was convinced that I was loved and cared for by him. I now know not to give trust but have people in my life earn it. It was not my fault I didn’t fight back or run when it was just hehim and I. My body froze, which was what I decided was the safest way to deal with his power.
The first person I told my story to denied that it happened which confused and embarrassed me. Was I a victim? I was convinced by others I did consent to the whole ordeal. Seeing him in my class daily pushed me to come out about what happened. Because I had to explain why I didn’t want a class with him, my situation was reported to the police, and the situation became a case. People who had power finally wanted to listen to me.
Every day is a fight against him. Having to go to school with him causes me pain. The anxiety of going out in public is detrimental to my mental health. But getting through the stress and fear makes me stronger. I take back my power every day by living my typical day-to-day life. That is an accomplishment for me.
Going through therapy often to work through the hard days when I remember what happened helps. Having an outlet to talk to someone is essential to all people who have gone through the same thing as me. Putting myself into a mindset of “I am okay,” has been the big helper since I was assaulted. I have to choose to be present in the current time, not back to the day he hurt me.
Putting an end to letting people in my life who are friends with my abuser has allowed me to grow as a person with people who believe in me. Giving up friendships wasn’t easy, but I knew I deserved people who knew I was telling the truth. Not forgiving or forgetting what he has done helped me grow. Surrounding myself with people who believe my story and want to help me has made it easier to process. Telling my story is important to me, and nobody or anything can silence me. I like to convince myself that I am fully recovered, but I am still growing and learning.