My New Year's Resolution by Mary Grace

My New Year's Resolution by Mary Grace - January 2016 Scholarship Essay

I honestly cannot believe that it is already 2016. It feels like I was a freshman yesterday, but here I am, a senior in high school, about to graduate, and probably about to have a mental breakdown about college sometime soon. As I continue on my journey, this year I have decided that I want to take things as they come, and not jump forward with the assumption that things will go as I have planned, because life really doesn’t always work like that, unfortunately.
I have never been one to advertise my mental disabilities, or one to put the blame on them, because I know that I am the one who has chosen to let them get the best of me, more or less. I am speaking of my insanely overwhelming anxiety, which is usually induced by tests or some other stupid thing that is out of my control. Every time I go to take a test, I see spots and my mind goes blank, and the information gets all fuzzy, like when you erase a chalk board (yes, I mean like an old school chalk board), and there are remnants of the chalky words that your teacher wrote (and you could barely read because chalk dust was EVERYWHERE). Most of the time, I have an anxiety attack and start to hyperventilate- FUN!!- And sometimes I will start to cry. Obviously, this isn’t the most becoming thing of a 17 year old, but it is generally out of their control. Then I hand in that god awful test and think “Oh Lord, I just failed”, I usually don’t, and I wonder why I ever doubted myself.
By choosing to “just go with the flow, mannn”, I think that I will honestly stop being so anxious about school. Sure, I will have to keep a handle on due dates no matter what, but I will stop worrying about a grade that I may or may not have made once I turn something in, because I can’t change it once I hand it in, which is something that is SO SO SO hard for me to wrap my anxious mind around, sometimes. I have to realize that I need to give everything my all, and then when it comes time to turn it in or present it, I need to trust myself, and believe that I did all that I could do.
I am not perfect. I am flawed. I doubt myself quite a lot. But, I have chosen to move forward, and I have chosen that it is high time that I start believing in myself and also allowing life to take its course. Not only will this help me in school, but it will help me in life in general. I am no fortune teller, but I can tell you that my future seems so much more open now that I have chosen to stop worrying so much.