Learning to be Selfish by Mary

Learning to be Selfish by Mary - April 2024 Scholarship Essay

In one of my UC college essay prompts, I wrote about the hardships of depression, suicidal thoughts, and how I tried to get past it. My reason to continue living at age 14 was guilt. I lived a life dedicated to others. Everything that I am, I had my parents to thank due to their hard work and investments into me; everything that has been done for me—from family, teachers, friends—would have all been a waste of time and effort. The desire to not let anyone’s effort go to waste pushed me to keep going, and the desire to give back tenfold to those I loved was what pushed me to pursue everything I am now—so I can afford all the luxuries they deserve (and also pay everything back). I need to go to college and get a good job was all I had to do—but none of it was for me.
Now, I’ve become burnt out and have lost that passion. Raised in a Vietnamese immigrant family, your needs had to be aligned with your family’s, as they sacrificed everything just to give you a better life; raised to be Catholic, you were to be a servant to others, just as Jesus had. Everything I used to get through my toughest years was a derivative of my upbringing. Years of living for only others caused my own needs to be ignored—or I would just feel guilty if I prioritized my own happiness. Of course, I am working for my education and degree to get a good job to give back to my hardworking family and supportive friends. Still, I am slowly learning to live life for myself—and getting past the burnout of existing solely to serve others. I am not getting into a career that I hate and be forced to work most of my life in—and just for money! I am unlearning being a people-pleaser, to let my needs be addressed. I am learning to love myself and my individual journey as well as envisioning a possible future I will love—and one I will have to achieve through academic pursuits. Even though it has been a tough journey for academics and mental thoughts, the journey itself, my growth, and my future help make the days easier.

I’m still young, only just 21; I’m still finding myself, but I know that my academic goals and efforts are no longer without a true purpose. I am finding my place in this world, my strengths and weaknesses, and trying to improve my flaws. Focusing on all of this is hard—especially as I’m easily distracted and, honestly, lack much discipline. But I continue to work on my pursuits to a higher education to become a dentist. With this education, I hope to learn as much as I can and obtain degrees—something many of the women in my family had to sacrifice for work to support the family. With this career, I hope to be able to spread oral health awareness to others (especially my family, where many haven’t seen the dentist in years), provide resources to those who need it, and be able to support myself and my loved ones financially. While much of my efforts are done for the goal of helping others, I still am hoping to get self-fulfillment from my achievements. Whenever it gets hard, I try to remember that what I am doing is something that I actually enjoy; even though I am not the strongest academically, learning about the sciences, applications to life, dental procedures, and other life skills helps to expand my knowledge—something I have a great privilege of having.
Though my journey has only just begun, I have learned so much about the world—and myself. Going through my academic pursuits and personal growth, I am slowly letting myself live life solely for me without guilt—even if many of my goals still include giving to those I love. A desire for a better life for both myself and my loved ones is what keeps me going academically, mentally, and in the pursuit of growth.