reflection in the mirror by Manal

reflection in the mirror by Manal - September 2022 Scholarship Essay

I gaze into the reflection and see her- a version of me that has no idea where she would have ended up right now. A past version of myself stares back at me and is proud of where I am today. If I could step into the mirror and advise her I would tell her three things: do not let people walk over you, rejection is a part of success, and comparing yourself to others is worthless. Those three life lessons are things I am still working on today, but to be able to educate my past self about those life lessons would have saved me from making so many bad decisions and would have allowed me to improve on my self-worth and image.

Throughout my early years of education I was a victim of bullying. I would always keep to myself because I was constantly criticized about my weight and skin color. As a result, I became deeply insecure which made me into a doormat of a person. I would let myself continue relationships with people who would step all over me in order to achieve what they wanted. I developed a people-pleaser personality that would gain me friends for a short while but would backfire in the long run. I had one really good person that I was friends with for a while but in an attempt to please a new girl that showed up into town I allowed the one person who was by my side to be ridiculed by this stranger just in order to make sure she was another person who fancied me. I ended up losing one of my closest friends due to the need to please everyone around me. I want to advise my past self that not everyone in this world will like you and that is something you will be okay with. Finding just a few good people is better than being friends with a million people that would have no problem stabbing you in the back.

Another insecurity I developed was the extreme fear of rejection. Everyone has somewhat of a fear of rejection. Let it be, being turned down by a crush or not getting a job position. However, my fear of being rejected was in every aspect of my life. It got to the point where I would have anxiety speaking with people at restaurants or stores. I would never order my own food or receive help from an employee because I was always scared they would deny me. Till this day I mourn the loss of networking I could have done if I simply reached out to people. Now that I am in college, I am realizing the significance of just going up to people and establishing relationships. Connections with friends, mentors, and peers will help me in the long run. I want to advise my past self that everyone has a fear of rejection and the worst thing a person can say is no. Missing out on countless friendships and opportunities is not worth it.

Always being taunted for my appearance made me question my self-worth. “What was wrong with me?” I would question myself while comparing myself to others. Self-depreciation can easily become a chronic disease that takes over your every thought and action. Every time I would leave my house I would be comparing myself to the next person. “Your hair is not as shiny as hers” or “You will never be as funny as him”. Being in this constant mindset prevented me from ever being content with how I appeared or what I did. Then my mindset changed when I heard someone state, “A flower and sunset are very unique to each other, but just because they are different does not make one less beautiful than the other.” I wish my past self could have heard this. After really taking in what this really meant, I stopped comparing myself to people. It is still a working process because old habits always manage to creep back into your head but one day I will be confident enough to walk into a room and not even give a second thought about making myself feel like less.