She is Her, I am Her by Maedsa

She is Her, I am Her by Maedsa - September 2022 Scholarship Essay

Pain. Lately, I have become very well acquainted with it. The slow and steady aching pain. You finally breathe thinking that yesterday's problem will stay in the past. When in fact, it’s today's problem, tomorrow’s problem, and the problem of everyday life after that. That is why I love watching films, it is an escape from reality and I could use that from time to time. A part of me likes to think that’s why I learn so much and why I am mature for my age. A part of me likes to think that I was meant to be different and go through all that I have gone through. A part of me likes to think that life could be more than just surviving… now that one resonates with me more. Memory is funny, you know? The formative stuff – the traumas, the things we cannot move past – they live deep in the brain stem. These are the wounds we pay shrinks not to fix because it makes us who we are. They control us. It’s connected to lower brain function. So, you see, even if we wanted to forget, we can’t.

I draw inspiration from this because as a gen z child, social media is a part of my life no matter how much I try to escape from it. You see other people’s lives, celebrities' lives. It all seems so perfect to you sometimes, but does it to them? Some are better at hiding their emotions than others. I’m not saying that the individual may not be happy because they can be. It all falls down to how we deal with it. I don’t mean to get all deep, but I’m saying this because I wish there was someone to tell me this too. Would’ve saved me a suitcase full of insecurities. Guess it’s safe to say that is an obstacle I had to face, insecurity. I’m not talking about physical traits of myself that bother me. I’m talking about not being enough or making something of myself. My most prized possession is my academic achievement by the way. Being dumb was my insecurity. It’s weird when I say it out loud but I often compare myself to a lot of intelligent people and determine my intelligence based on them. There isn’t much I can say I’m good at but when it comes to academics, I don’t worry so much. All my life I’ve been told that if I don’t do well in school or I’m not at the top of the class then I’m not doing enough. That’s why I love being able to come home with trophies, certificates, and awards to put in my room and brag about it because it shows me and tells me I’m doing enough; that I am enough.

I used to always regret decisions I wished I had never made. Now I'm thankful for them. I learn from them and now my mistakes are maybe one of a trillion I would have to worry about. I’ll never know but that’s the thrill of life, right? Time has no end, life keeps going even if you don’t want it to. That is one of the few things you are not in control of. It is a good thing though. You lose some and you win some, you just have to deal with it. How you choose to deal with it is your choice. I now know not to spend my time regretting what has already been done and is in the past. I know now to look forward to it. I have made an impact on my life because I’ve made the decision to do what is best for me. As a parent, you tell your kids not to do something; they still end up doing it because they want to prove you wrong. At the end of the day, the decision relies on me and that itself is impactful enough.

I am happier and it’s not solely on my academic achievement but because I have finally found myself. No matter how much reassurance and motivation one gives me, it doesn’t matter unless I believe in myself. We are all here today to find our significant impact. When someone asks you who has made a significant impact in your life, I would say it's ok if you don’t know because everyone’s journey is different. I would also say it’s ok if you think it’s yourself especially if no one has been there for you. Realizing all this has helped me face my obstacle. I realize you don’t learn from winning, you learn from losing and making bad decisions. The thing that separates us all is whether you’re able to learn from your mistakes and grow from your mistakes. There’s no such thing as a perfect person and if there is I haven’t met them yet. Growing up is strange. If I had the chance to tell the world my story, I would.