How has a book impacted me by Madysen

How has a book impacted me by Madysen - October 2023 Scholarship Essay

When I think about a book that I have read that has deeply impacted me, I think of a book I read in middle school. For years I have tried to find this book but I do not remember the name, I only remember the storyline that was in it almost perfectly.
This book is about a high school girl who used to be popular but suffered from severe mental health problems. When people found out about her mental illness her friends basically dropped her completely then allowed her sister to fill the spot of the new popular girl. She got so depressed that one night she tried to commit suicide. And later that night when her sister came home from a date with her boyfriend she found her sister getting rolled into an ambulance.
I remember reading this book for the first time and it made me feel so many emotions, I didn't even know a book could make you feel so passionately. I was mad and hurt for the older sister who was the victim and I was scared and worried for the younger sister who had to watch it all unfold. But truly I was also mad at the book in general. Why would somebody be so inconsiderate to write a book like that? I did not understand that the author probably used it to educate the younger population about how their actions can affect people as well as let ones who suffer with depression know that they are not alone and how it would affect other people if they passed.
Despite my feelings toward the author, the storyline started to hit a little close to home the second time I read the book that following year. My older cousin Jordan who was my best friend had completed suicide and it broke me. I thought he was selfish for taking the easy way out and for taking himself away from everyone who loved him. It was hard to understand why he would choose to take his life instead of trying to reach out to someone or just fight a little longer for someone to notice something was wrong. I used to think that if I were around I would somehow have been able to detect what was going on so I could save him. But because of our mothers being in a big fight, he and I had not seen each other for almost two years prior to his death. My mental health was plummeting downhill and I started to get depressed and think that maybe I should be there with him so he was not alone. At that time is when I started to cut myself.
When I read the book for the second time the thought started to sink in on how stupid it was of me to react the way I did. That it was just as bad as him actually committing to the act. Reading it was triggering, and I had to pause for different moments. But it also gave me the realization on why the author wrote the book how they did and that it was okay to have mixed feelings.
So I would say this book was able to strongly impact me by helping me come to terms that it was not my fault that my cousin was not here and there probably was not anything I could have done to help him overcome his situation. I would also like to think that this book saved me from myself in some type of way. And it bothers me so much that I cannot find the title of this book or the author.