In My Life by Madeleine

In My Life by Madeleine - April 2019 Scholarship Essay

It was a late April afternoon, the humid temperature was balanced by the chill breezes, a sign of summer approaching. That evening my family’s entire dynamic changed in just thirty minutes. We were headed to the beach when Micheal, my dad of five years collapsed in the driveway. My siblings and I witnessed an event that one should never see: my mom performing CPR while I’m concentrating solely on the 9-1-1 operator’s voice for stability.
The first sign of a horrible outcome is when the ambulance does not leave your house. Even worse is when the second ambulance arrives. You begin to feel the metallic taste in your mouth and the physical effects of anxiety take over: shaky knees, nausea, dry throat, and stinging eyes. Finally, when your mom returns to the house after only fifteen minutes at the hospital to say,
“You guys, Micheal passed away.”
I remember the following week solely as a complete dissonance from my role within my family versus my role outside of the house. Nonetheless, both sides of myself became detached from any interactions. Micheal’s passing left me with one common, grieving emotion‒ regret. When I cried in remembrance of Micheal it was regret that was driving my actions, not sadness. This singular feeling led to self-absorption and isolation becoming my only escape during the tragedy. The familiarity of faces entering our home barely mattered to me anymore as I dug my face deeper into the AP review books at my disposal. One would assume during difficult times that your support system would grow deeper and more stable, but the opposite occurred with me. My siblings became preoccupied with relatives and family friends whereas my mom had to handle all the consequences of her husband passing away: funeral arrangements, questions, life insurance policies, her own mental state.
Being alone was a new phenomenon for me. All my life there was my mom and later on, there was Micheal, both helping me ground myself whenever my emotions ran too high or expectations stretched too far. Together they were my safety net. My dependence on them allowed me to be irresponsible with my mental growth and maturity at times, however, only I had the ability to control my emotions, not my parents. The year before Micheal’s passing I had the most tumultuous ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ with my emotions. Simple things from underperforming grades or my mom saying “no” to me were catalysts for extreme reactions in my behavior from overgeneralizing to large fights. My rash attitude drove people out of my life and prevented me from exploring a world beyond grades.
Nevertheless, my parents’ help before was not a disability, nonetheless, it now exhibits how much I have developed in the months following Micheal’s passing. My own isolation put me on a path of self-discovery and independence. I have learned to not let externalities have power over me through the reasoning and rationalization that went on in my mind after Micheal.
Following the incident, I came to the conclusion that the world absolutely is a cruel place, but it is also a place that needs constant improvement, just as I do. Now, I have the privilege to be aware of my emotions and know that I am always in control of how I feel. Rather than letting the world lead me, I am now shaping my community, whether it is helping people register to vote or attempting to organize a school gardening club. These types of activities are an outlet for my emotions, driving me toward change. The abrupt loss of my parents as a support system has helped me overcome the barrier between two very different types of maturity: one that holds me back and the latter who inspires me to take charge of the opportunities this world has to offer.