Just Ask. by Linda

Just Ask. by Linda - September 2022 Scholarship Essay

As time moves forward, everyone wishes they could relive or redo something from the past but as the seconds pass, all we can do is look back at a closed door. The often asked question is “If you could go back in time, when would you go and what would you do?” Sometimes people respond with small changes whereas others respond with history-altering changes. However, the strongest influence, ever-present in the past and future, is the influence of knowledge. So what if we knew something earlier? What if we could change everything in our lives if we just received a small piece of advice before a problem occurred? If I could give one piece of advice to my past self, it would be to “Ask for help.”

Growing up, I was a very independent kid. My mom was always busy with work so I had to figure out my homework on my own. Of my siblings, I was the “responsible one.” I had to do everything right - have straight A’s, the best manners, be productive, and “know it all.” As a child of divorce and mama’s girl, I wanted to take off some of the growing responsibility from my mother - this included stress. So, I kept everything to myself. Listening to my mom vent left me to absorb all of her problems, thinking of ways to help. I wanted to fix everything but couldn’t. I especially didn’t want to be just another worry on the to-do list. In the end, I faked it - perfection. Spoiler alert, I didn’t make it.

It is universally known that bottling up emotions may be a quick solution but it is among the most counterproductive coping mechanisms. It took me years to figure out that what I was doing could hurt me. I simply attributed my biannual outbursts to a slight inconvenience. That is until it wasn’t.

During eighth grade, I had my first panic attack. My heart raced and so did my thoughts. My palms were sweaty and I had lost my balance, breath, and eventually consciousness. For the following weeks, I missed weeks of school. I didn’t eat. I didn’t talk. I slept for hours every day and separated myself from my family. I had never had problems with asking questions in school yet when it came to asking for help, I always ended up second-guessing myself and chickening out. I started talking to myself and spent hours overthinking. When Quarantine hit, I had more time than ever to relax and avoid talking to people. I loved it. Freshman year was among the most effortless transitions between grades. I had high hopes for my Sophomore year. I could keep up with the work, just not my sleeping schedule. On average, my bedtime was 3 am and the alarm was 7:40 am. It takes 15 minutes to get to my school from my house so I was always late. By December, all I wanted to do was skip school and catch up on my work or sleep or do anything other than school. Suddenly, I went from getting no mail to one letter from school every other week looking for absent notes. My panic attacks returned and my intrusive thoughts interfered with my concentration. Despite how bad I felt, I still kept it to myself. My sister was fighting with my mom and my brother had money problems. Due to the stress my mom was under, she had strenuous pains all over her body. I believed I could fix it by keeping quiet, running the house, and being the mediator between my mom and sister. Eventually, I gave in. My mom and I went to the doctor and I was diagnosed with Depression and Severe Anxiety. I still felt like a burden but now I wasn’t alone. My mom was able to help me get through the darkness and look forward to the future again.

Looking back, I can’t believe I waited so long to ask for help. It's still hard to open up but simply remembering that I have support to rely on lightens the load. Today, I’m on medication and working with my doctor to find a therapist that fits me. Before, when I tried to imagine my future, there was only as far as high school graduation. Now, I can breathe and believe that tomorrow will come. I’m closer to my family and enjoy learning again. Junior year will undoubtedly be difficult. Even so, I’m confident in my ability to ask for help and rely on support when I need it most. Had I known then what I know now, so many problems would have been minimized. Nevertheless, I’ve learned to be happy with what I have now and regret what I once did not.

Undoubtedly, who I was in the past to who I am now, are completely different. I may have been more productive then but I am so much happier now. Of course, if I could go back in time and give myself advice, I would. On the other hand, if everything that happened made me who I am, without knowing what I do, I don’t think I’d change a thing. I guess I could only say, I should've just asked.