To Fail Or Not To Fail by Kiara

To Fail Or Not To Fail by Kiara - August 2022 Scholarship Essay

The academic goal that I have for this year is to…
Fail.
Yes, that is it. My academic goal for this upcoming school year is to fail.
Let me make myself clear; I would not like to fail a test, or class, or my family. I have no desire to fail my professors, who are always willing to lend a helping hand, nor my parents, who have had faith in me when I had none, or even my younger self, who looked up to me when she could not count on herself.
I want to fail at being the perfect student.
Many people are quick to believe that one can never truly fail at something, so long as he/she tries. I beg to differ. Perfectionism is the desire to be perfect, or the belief that one can actually be perfect. Perfectionism can often be mild, and can even be a comforting feeling in the midst of stress. Because there is not one person on this planet that can be perfect at everything though, this false notion of ‘perfectionism’ can quickly lead to a spiral into depression.
When unchecked, perfectionism easily becomes linked to anxiety disorders and depression, such as general anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is easy to see how they correlate once we understand what perfectionism does to imperfect humans. People make mistakes, or sometimes, things just extend far beyond our capabilities as human beings. As close as we may come to perfection, we will never be perfect; imagine being the best at something, yet still imperfect, falling short of your goal every single time. Imagine what that does to self-esteem, to self-confidence, to self-image.
I know how damaging this can be. I know, because this person is me. I made the second highest score in the class; I should have made the highest. I made a 97 percent on my exam; I should have made a 100 percent. I work two jobs to pay for my college education so that my parents do not have to; Maybe I should be working three jobs instead.
I am tired of being tired. I am so over the feeling of disappointment that washes over me every time I should be celebrating an accomplishment of mine instead. I am sick of being unhappy with myself after I give everything my all.
That is why my academic goal this year is to fail at being perfect. I want to succeed, but I want to do so in an imperfect way. I still hope that I make straight A’s, but I hope that I am proud of myself even when my class grade is a 92%. I still want to pay my student bill alone, but I want to pat myself on the back even if I have to go with the extended payment plan.
I hope that even when I fall asleep in the library, I can still wake up and be happy that I studied for four hours straight. I want to be able to leave work every day, proud of the hours that I put in, not wishing that I had come in earlier.
I want to reward myself for what and who I am, not punish myself for lacking in the things that I am not. I just want to be proud of the person that I have worked so hard to become. I deserve that much, at least from myself.
My academic goal is to do the best that I can, yet to still fall short of perfection. I want to be great, yes, but I want to come to terms with the fact that I can not achieve perfection. I believe that if I can spend less time focusing on the past, on the “what ifs,” and the “should haves,” then maybe I can put more effort and attention into the present and future possibilities. “I can. I will.”
I am a human being, which in turn means that I am far from perfect, and I never will be. My goal is to accept that, and I am confident that once I do, I will be better off. I am proud of my accomplishments, and I am excited to see what the future holds for me.