Nothing is permanat by Joy

Nothing is permanat by Joy - September 2022 Scholarship Essay

I have struggled with my self image and depression my whole life and have recently started a path of self improvement. My older brother committed suicide when I was 4 years old and loosing a brother like that started of a bad pattern of self harm when I was 13. Around six months ago I was in the worst spot of my life and instead of talking to someone else I wrote this to myself.

Today I felt like I needed to remember how I felt so I will never forget that feeling again. today was the first time I genuinely felt like ending my life. Maybe it was the mix of emotions and little jokes that seemed to get to me but I have never felt like actually doing it until today. I did not feel like cutting myself as every time I looked at them it made me feel ugly it felt like if I jumped in the lake I would breath in all the water and hope no one cared enough to pull me out. The only thing that seemed clear in my mind was the thought of calling my sister. She is one of a couple people that make me feel if I ended things for myself I would end things for her to do. That is why I called her. I feel like I am not myself anymore, I feel like no matter what I do I still will never be the right person. I feel so uncomfortable with all my actions and even myself. I have never thought like that before and I am scared. I hope it gets better. I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. I will not talk to anyone about it. I don’t want anyone to feel as if I will.

If I could give any advice to myself today it would be that I am loved. It is so good to know that people love and care about you and all you need to do is set boundaries with others and then if they don't respect them they are not worth it. I am worth so much, and I have so much to live for. Daily, I wake up knowing that no one should make me feel a different way about myself because I am the best version of myself.