The Past Self by Jayde

The Past Self by Jayde - September 2022 Scholarship Essay

Regardless of where someone grew up, who they are, or what happened, everyone has a unique past. My past is a complex thing to even begin to explain. I’ve always avoided talking about the past because of how much I wish to forget it. Growing up, I was solely surrounded by the things I did not want to be. Not seeing good role models growing up has made it difficult to navigate life due to not seeing how it was properly done. My rough childhood reflected itself into my daily life. I can’t continue with my life without thinking of my dreaded past. As much as I can mope around about hating it, I am thankful for the lessons it has taught me.
The things I've learned from my past self have changed me. I strongly wish I could go back and tell my small self that I will turn out okay. I was constantly worried that I would turn out like the people I didn’t want to be, that it was easy to lose sight of what I should actually be like. I think if I had known that I would be completely different from those people then I would’ve spent more time doing what I had actually wanted to. I want to beg and plead my past self to take control of their life and be the change they so clearly need. Even though I want the little me to know that I would be different, I actually want myself to be the change. I wasted too much time not changing and bettering myself even though I knew what I didn’t want to be. There was a lot about my past self that needed guidance on what life is truly like.
I was even clueless on what to expect my life would be like with other people. I had always thought that everyone was like me and that we all did things the same way. My past self was blindsided by the fact that not everyone wanted to be the best person they could be. I would tell myself to accept that everyone is different because I had wasted too much time trying to help people who didn’t want my help. I want to grab myself and shake it into me that not everyone will believe the same things as me and that it’s okay if they don’t. Not only was I in disbelief that people would purposely not better themselves, I was distraught over it. I was sensitive towards every aspect of life. I want to tell my small self that I will need to protect that part of myself. I think wanting to help people is a valuable trait. I see nothing inherently wrong with how sensitive I am, I just wish that I knew how to protect my feelings from the pointed cruelty of others. Even though I wish I protected myself more, I also want to tell myself not to grow up too fast. I wish that I had not tried to grow up so fast, but rather protected my youth and enjoyed it for as long as I could.
There are many things I wish I could tell the the person I used to be. Regardless, I’m happy with how things have turned out. I believe the mistakes I’ve made and challenges I’ve gone through have helped me garner an idea of what life is. I don’t expect myself to be perfect and I think that’s due to how I’ve grown up. There’s a lot of things I wish to change, say, or do, but I wouldn’t change anything.