Live in fear or live in captivity? by Janae

Live in fear or live in captivity? by Janae - December 2022 Scholarship Essay

I have always been introverted and quiet around people. I was constantly trying to please everyone else and their expectations, so I did the one thing I knew I was good at, blending in. This comes with benefits additionally with consequences. For example, complete invisibility involves no drama from school, and having no social life provides no distraction from my studies, but I also would have no connections with people and be isolated. It was like being held in a dark, cold, and lonely prison cell, where nothing, but the presence of darkness filled the halls. There is no life with blending in. That’s a lesson I wish someone would’ve told me.

I found myself in one of the darkest points in my life having overwhelming depression, slowly developing an eating disorder, and facing insecurity with my body along with my self-worth that I had questioned since I was a child. Ashamed of what was in the mirror because it didn’t match what I was surrounded by; light skin, size 6, perfectly healthy, and a curvy figure. Unlike me having dark skin, Asthma, eczema, chubby thighs, arms, and face. After the pandemic, my mom was struggling with finding a job which further worried me about the possibility of homelessness. My mom noticed my state knowing that it would’ve led me down a dark path, so I was introduced to therapy which helped me acknowledge something serious that was happening and I couldn't ignore it anymore. I had to change something and it wasn’t easy.

Engaging with people in my environment was difficult because of my lack of social skills, still, I write stories and share them not only to get feedback but to express myself. Having also been doing what I called "Self-Care Sunday" by taking care of my skincare, listening to something motivational, and taking pictures of myself as progress to rebuild the confidence that I lost at a young age. Cheerleading was something I dreamed of doing when I was a child, yet was too afraid of trying out based on my body type. After tryouts I was so proud of myself and thought that I made it, sadly I didn’t. I built myself consistently to once again be disappointed. Seeing Cheerleading as a loss cause I tried another sport, Track and Field, which was even more difficult to maintain than I thought.

When I joined track I was the only thrower for that whole season and that was extremely difficult. Practicing 6 days a week, 2-3 hours a day, and under pressure from the team was stressful for me. Thankfully, I got somewhat used to being an Athlete and was prepared for Outdoor Season. I was excited about not being the only thrower, but I couldn’t help but feel a little intimidated because I worked hard for an entire season and someone new still got better scores than me. I worked to my limit, stressing about my arm movement to the weight room, to not wasting a single second, just to prove to someone else that I was better due to my experience. At the end of the year, I grew to like the competitive sport and look forward to doing it again.


What I learned from these inundated experiences is that I need to learn how to trust myself and not let others' opinions and actions affect me. Also to work on overthinking simple things and demanding perfection since that is what all people around me accepted. From these experiences, I am proud of myself for not giving up when it looked impossible, even if I wanted to. Now I want to strive for imperfections because my uniqueness is out from the rest, despite what people expect from me, I’m going to attempt my best; if that’s not enough for some people, it’s not my fault.


As a young, plus-size, black woman, I lack self-confidence, am often underestimated, and overlooked; given limited opportunities. College is an achievement that, sadly, no one in my family had the privilege to do, and taking this level of education while in high school is very important to me because it proves my dedication and my worth to myself. The future I envision for myself is one of independence and proven worth to myself. I'm a young, plus-size, black woman, who was underestimated and overlooked. Breaking out of misconceptions and redefining what society and my community think of me is what I am determined to do, cause I would rather live out my life with fear than live in captivity.